Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Time to make the resolutions....

Every year I make one. Every year I break one. I think it's time now though to start making my life and the life of my kids better.

One thing's for sure, I do not want to spend my life afraid of bills that are not paid, balances I am not sure of and an angry landlord that used to be my friend. This year I am going to improve my credit rating.

I have always said, knowledge is power. The problem lately is that I really don't want to know how bad things are. I have a feeling that if I just sit down and look at what is out there it won't be as bad as I thought.

I want the older two to have bank accounts. I also want to have a buffer set aside for things like flat tires or activities for the kids.

One thing is for sure. I really need to start making more money. I don't know how but I am going to start looking at different options. I am not willing to give up my full time job for a different one though. These people are too good to walk away from. It's not every day that a person gets to work with a group that are so respectable. It's an amazing bunch.

Sigh - sometimes I hate being a grown up!

Monday, December 28, 2009

It's been a long time

I really had a wonderful Christmas. I don't know what it was but I was not plagued by the usual stress of the season.

The kids were so thoughtful with their gift giving. My eldest gave me season 5 of 24 on dvd. She knows her Mom! Her gifts were actually quite amazing. She was so excited to give to others it was an absolute thrill to watch. My baby gave me a mug she made and G2 bought me lunch when we went shopping. I really felt the spirit of the season.

We had Christmas day at my Mom's. They have a wonderful party room that we could use. There were 3 generations of family there. My niece and her family were there. Her children are quite young (18 months and 3 years) and having the younger ones around made it seem even more like Christmas.

It's another short week here at work. As an additional bonus, I am not scheduled at my third job. This is going to be a wonderful three days!!!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I swear! I was going to post last night but...

I was just too tired! I think I am starting to feel better though. The tummy has settled down a bit and I am not half asleep in my office. Baby girl (G3) is home sick again today - She is pretty sad about it though. They have a holiday party on the last day of school and she is missing it.

I have to write about a moment I had with G1 when she was younger. I think she was about 10 when the school gave the girls in her grade "the talk". She is an absolute master with absorbing information and found the topic of her period (and all that comes with it) particularly fascinating. She would ask G2 if she thought she would use pads or tampons (at the dinner table) and generally bring the subject up at will.

One day I found her standing in the middle of the kitchen with an empty cup. I asked her why and she said "There is no Kool Aid". I was easily frustrated at that time and thought she was just being passive aggressive so I very abruptly grabbed the pitcher and started to make more. She continued to stand there. When she was in my path for the third time I said "Honey, you are going to have to stand somewhere else". She then went into the hallway (with her cup)and started tracing (very noisily) on the wall. I, again, not the most patient person at the time, yelled to her "If you don't stop that right now I am going to ground you for a month" or something to that effect.

After all was said and done, I felt really bad for overreacting and not explaining what it was that upset me. I went into her room (where she had gone to hide after I yelled) to iron things out.

ME: Honey, can I talk to you?
A1: Ok.
ME: I need to explain to you why I got so upset earlier. You see sometimes....
A1 (with her hand gently on my arm) Is it hormones?

Monday, December 21, 2009

I think I have the flu - Not H1N1

I have just been feeling icky! My youngest gal is home sick with "what's his name". I have to admit, it's nice to not have to stay home from work when the kids are not well. Part of me feels really bad that I am not home with her but since he is there it's a great opportunity for them to bond. I will find out when I get home how much time he really spent with her and how much was spent fighting dragons.

I had coffee with a friend last night. Again, not something I do too often so it was a wonderful thing. Before I knew it an hour and a half had gone by. It's a wonderful thing to have a conversation with someone who is both intelligent and interesting.

Gosh, I really don't know what to write about today. I think I am going to log on later and tell a story from when G1 was younger.

Stay tuned!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Oh the Weather Outside is still frightful

And if Mommy could get some sleep it would be delightful....Again, baby girl could not sleep through the night. I did find out that a very good friend of hers is having the same issue so, at least I am not alone in this battle. Just tired!

I had a nice talk with G1 about her stuff from yesterday. She deals with things much differently than I ever did. She told me that once she leaves school she doesn't think about that kind of negative stuff. I hope that's true. I gave her a bit of advice. I told her to remember that when people tease it isn't worth it to get upset. She should just remember that she is better than that. If I remember correctly that kind of advice doesn't really help. I will just be there for her as best I can.

"What's his name" took time away from his busy schedule (fighting dragons) to hem a dress for G2. She needed it for a performance today with Concert Band. It's funny how I can do all that I do without even thinking about it and he does this one thing and it is a huge deal. He was complaining today about how long it took and how his hands were swollen from pricking himself with the needle. He had said something to G2 last night like "Next time we bring it to a tailor". I told him today that I was only trying to get him to partake in her life and I thought maybe that remark hurt her feelings. To tell the truth, I am sure she's fine but I needed to point out to him that his words matter.

Oh, and my bold move in e-mailing the nice man in my building? Nothin'. Not even a polite reply. This really brings out the insecure in me. I am still glad I took a chance though. Kind of like sticking a toe in the dating pool once again......

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

My eldest is getting picked on at school and it breaks my heart

She is a really sweet girl that is really not like anyone else. I have always said that I really think she will be a phenomenal adult but struggle with being a kid - mainly because she is above all the catty BS that goes along with being young.

The thing that saddens me is that she did not even notice. Her special ed teacher sawy it taking place and wanted us both to know. As a child with ASD often times she misses social cues. Along with that, she can get very emotional when under stress. Those two things together really can make her a target at times. It has been a really long time since the subject has come up. I am frightened that she will lose her current hope and start feeling sad again. I can barely work today I am so sad about it. I won't show her that though. I don't want my stuff to make her stuff worse.

On a better note her teacher and several others are taking steps to make sure this behavior does not persist. I am hopeful this will help and afraid at the same time that if it comes to disciplinary action there will not be any retaliation. Aaaaahhh!

For once I would just like things to go well for all of us girls. Since there are four of us the odds are against it but a mom can dream, can't she?

On another note, I sent an e-mail to that nice man that works in my building. I am not expecting anything super fab but I felt I needed to take a chance. Maybe something positive will arise.

I think now I will go in search of some other fabulous blogs!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Yup, my baby (G3) Couldn't sleep again last night

This time she woke me up at 11:00 pm. I let her fall asleep next to me. On the way to work I was thinking about it and it's really quite amazing. She said she couldn't sleep but when she laid down she conked right out. This is a very powerful feeling to think that I could be that much of a comfort to someone. The irony is that I can't be comforted by myself that way, otherwise I would always sleep really well. And, I don't.

No worries. We had a really great weekend. G1 had a Knowledge Bowl competition on Saturday. G3 had a play rehearsal at church and G2 "hung out" with friends. On Sunday G3 and I were at church bright and early (and almost on time) for her play. It was really adorable. Those kids and their leader are amazing!!!

Later we rented a movie - "The Last Mimzy". It was really cute and my G1 and G3 really enjoyed it. We had popcorn and kept warm in the midst of all this snow.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Every time I open my mouth.....

Yesterday I shared this beautiful moment I had with my oldest. I sent that to her special ed teacher, which she did appreciate but followed up with the news that her grades are slipping and she's being rude to a couple of teachers. I am tellin' ya, I just need to keep my mouth shut!

I realize that everyone has a ebb and flow to their life. I just really have not had a lot of "flow" recently. Good things happen a lot, I realize that but there is always something I should be wary of.

I so much want my girls to be happy! I don't want them learning too late in life how to cope and how important it is to plan and work toward a happy future.....

Anyway, another busy day.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The Weather is bad and I need to make this quick

Busy day here at the paper but I had to share what my G1 said last night. I thought it was very profound.

After having to tell "What's his name" to pick up his cigarette butts up in the garage (which by the way G2 had asked him not to smoke in there) and arguing with him about, of all things, Sarah Palin's book signing (don't even get me started), I blew up. I got into an argument with my youngest about her homework and was really not rational. Anyway, my darling oldest was studying or reading a book in bed. She has such a gentle nature I thought it made sense for me to chat with her. I shared what had happened and she said she gets frustrated with G3 also. She also said "As much as I hope papa gets a job, I really think he needs something to help his self-esteem. At least that's what I hope for."

You know, sometimes when you aren't looking your kids start to grow up.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Oh the Weather Outside is Frightful!!

And my G2 is home with a cold. I am here at work and am wondering how long it will take me to get home.

First real snow of the year. It brings on a lot of new behavior. Putting on boots, wearing gloves or mittens, very tense driving and worrying that my baby gets home safe on the bus.

I have to say that my favorite part of Winter is climbing into bed and warming up my feet. I sleep much better in the winter. I think it's because I exert so much energy just trying to get here and there.

I went to visit my Mom last night. I noticed that her neighbor had his TV on really loud. When she answered the door I said, "I think your neighbor might be hard of hearing, Mom."

Her answer: "Huh?"

Monday, December 7, 2009

All Work and No Play Makes This Blogger a Dull Mommy

So, I treated myself to a night of "Clubbing". It's not what you think. It doesn't mean hitting people with clubs, no: It's going out to a nightclub! Which I am sure you all know. I just don't do it anymore.

I went to see my favorite local band Soul Asylum. The show was great, I was with a really good friend from high school and get this: A total stranger offered us V.I.P. seating for free! I would not have been able to see the show at all without it. The place was so packed!!! The band rocked as always. I was so thrilled to be there! I did try to get a note to the lead singer Dave but I don't know if that ever happened. He's the cool rock star that called my house offering to do an interview for my G2 and then my G3 hung up on him. Kind as he is, he actually bothered to call back and leave a message.

So, since I went out on Friday and worked my gas station job on Saturday, I asked "What's his name" to do a lot of the kids stuff over the weekend. He was not a happy camper. He drove my friend and I downtown, picked up G2 after Sadie Hawkins, dropped G1 off at six a.m. Then, he made 3 dozen cookies with G3 for church on Sunday. I also asked him to drop me off at work on Saturday so G1 had a ride home from her excursion and G2 could get picked up after her "hanging out" with friends.

He made an interesting comment when he dropped me off. I thanked him for everything he had done this weekend and then mentioned that he seemed a little angry. He said "I am just not used to having to run around so much". I almost felt guilty until I remembered that I had been doing this very thing for well over nine years so I said "Welcome to my world". A little cold I know but if I didn't ask he really would not do anything but fight dragons.

Needless to say I am a wee bit tired but I am feeling so good about my job performance and the progress that my gals are making it doesn't matter. Good Stuff!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Up, Up and Away!!

yes, it's true. Things have not been that terrific for me but it's time I stop being a big baby about it. I have some great stuff going on also.

My youngest and I have been having a really good time with our new schedule. We have spent some seriously productive and fun time together. I actually feel as though I am teaching her a thing or two also. I have a terrible habit of making silly errors and I am noticing this lack of attention to detail with her as well. Given this thing we have in common, last night I was able to give her a few pointers so that she is checking her work for more basic things - like spelling ( ! )

Also, I was able to get put on a club list for this weekend. A friend of mine from high school and I are going to see one of my favorite bands. Yes, they really haven't been around much since the 90's but they have a great show. I am really excited.

My middle daughter is going to Sadie Hawkins tomorrow night. (sigh). It's amazing, one minute she is little bundle in my arms and the next she's dating. I have the need to mention that she handles the dating thing light years better than I ever did. I am very proud.

Speaking of proud! My oldest is going to a knowledge bowl tournament on Saturday! She really does not get out much and with all the stuff she struggles with I am always so proud when she puts herself out there! Yay G1!!! You go girl!

And then, that person I am interested in.....I have been wanting to make sure he isn't married. He doesn't wear a ring but I am not naive enough to believe that means anything. So, I have wanted to ask. I'll tell you though, a couple of days ago he gave me an opening I could've driven a truck through. Me, I flipped it into reverse!! I think part of me likes the first part - being interested and all the anticipation and the hope for something - the hope....I am not ready to give that up. It's really nice to feel that skip in my heartbeat when I see him. It's fun and if it gets any more real it could end. Plus if I push it could end really soon. I am hanging on to the good stuff right now.

Oh and a really kind person I work with took the time to notice that I have been seeming down. It really helped me realize how lucky I have it. I have fabulous gals, a good job, working with wonderful people. The only thing that is really holding me back is me allowing myself to let this depression get the better of me. Luckily, I have the tools to work it out.

Yep, I am a lucky Mommy!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Sometimes it's hard to be a Mother

But it's also really hard to be my daughter. My G3, I have just discovered is not doing well in school. For the first time since G1 was in grade school, I left a parent teacher conference crying. It was different with G1 as she (we later determined) has a good reason for struggling. With G3 it's a whole different scene. She's just is not trying and that hurts more than a clearly identifiable issue. The truth is, I really wasn't paying enough attention to what she has (or has not) been turning in or wearing to school.

The silly part of this whole thing is that because "What's his name" lives with us, I got this idea that I wasn't parenting alone. I thought that since he put her on the bus in the morning, he would make sure she was properly attired and had eaten her breakfast. Boy, was I wrong!!! I thought that when her homework was done he may have taken a look at what she had done. Wrong again and this is my fault for assuming that an adult would be responsible.

I have made some mistakes in regard to what I can leave up to "What's his name" but never again. From now on, my eyes will be on my baby. I have vowed with her, to spend time in the evening with homework, picking out clothes and settling in to a good sleep schedule. I promised her that we will work through these things together.

Last night, we read together, picked out her clothes and made sure her homework was done correctly. She even shared a "Where's Waldo" with me. It was a great start. Honestly, I had let that closeness go since "What's his name" moved in. I have really been a hermit lately and this is just the kick I need to get back on the parenting course and remember that others need me to be strong - even with my flaws.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Everybody Hurts, (sometimes)

Lately, I have really been sad. I don't know if it's because "What's his name" is still living with us or because I am broke or because I wouldn't be able to pay the rent without "What's his name" living with us or a number of other things I could name. I have just been plain old sad. It is true that I have clinical depression but this is not my normal way of feeling. I usually have a lot more energy and get excited about things more often.

Anyway, this whole mood got me thinking about the days when I was getting divorced. There was one song that I consistently listened to that I thought gave a pretty strong message about bad times and surviving them. It is a song by REM - "Everybody Hurts". Since the kids (G1 & G2) were in the car when I would pop in the tape, they heard it quite a bit. Two conversations I had with them really shows who they are as people even today.

As we were going down the road listening to this song, G2 (age 4) asked "Mommy, why does he say Everybody Hurts"? I told her (and G1 also) that what they were saying is that even when times get tough, you are not alone. Everyone has trouble and struggles with their emotions so you shouldn't feel alone and you should never give up because things always get better.

About two weeks later, G1 (age 5) said, "Mommy why does he say everybody hurts? OH! Did he bonk his head??" Then G2 (always in the know) said "No (nickname of G1) he's talking about 'motions!" I followed up by telling G1 the same thing I told G2.

For some reason that story really sticks with me during sad times. I can still hear them singing along to that tape.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Another Busy Day at Work

Apparently "What's his name" could not get a ride to his family's Thanksgiving day celebration so we are together as a family. Should be interesting.

I have to smush three days of work into today so I cannot blog long.

Just a quick mention that I am now selling yet another product. Check out the link:


It should be helpful for Holiday gift giving.

Have a great Thanksgiving.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Ok, I still have a crush

I cannot believe how nice this person is. We chat whenever we happen to be outside at the same time, and we have so much in common!

The reason I am even writing this entry today is to ask anybody with an opinion:

What the heck do I do about it? I haven't flirted in about a decade and I don't want to be pushy or obvious.

Anyone, Anyone?

Feel free to comment.

Monday, November 23, 2009


My side of the family threw a party yesterday in honor of Thanksgiving. What a great time. We had lots of family show up. Some cousins on my Mom's were there and it was so great to catch up with them.

I thought this arrangement was so ideal. This way, the kids could spend a holiday with "What's his name's" family. They are really good people. They are super family oriented and always know how to throw a holiday party.

Since I am at a point that I really don't think these things should fall to me, I had asked "What's his name" to try to arrange transportation for them as it is down the road a piece. He said he would (after all, "What's his name" is nothing if not agreeable). Now apparently, his attempt involved leaving a note on Facebook for his brother. In the meantime, G2 contacted him ("What's his name's" brother) independently and found out that they were going to Thanksgiving on his wife's side. "What's his name" still insists that he is trying.

During the Thanksgiving party my little G3 had said "I sure hope I don't turn out like my Dad". Part of me is so glad that she is thinking ahead. The other part of me is very saddened that she is learning how to live through a contra-example.

And again last night (3 a.m. this morning) my youngest came into my room because she couldn't sleep.

Also, WOW am I ever lucky my sister is a doctor. As it turns out, it's possible the snotty PA that treated my daughter may have misdiagnosed her. According to Dr. Sister she has torn a specific type of cartilage, one that connects he kneecap to her knee and she should be getting physical therapy instead of using crutches and immobilizing it. I have made the follow up appointment so we shall see how this all turns out.

Have a wonderful rest of the day.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Friday again!!!!!

Gosh, that was quick!!! The week went by like Nuthin'!

It's going to be a big weekend. We are have our Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday since my sister is in town. It will be fun to see everybody. I will be making cheesecake and beerbread and maybe a few fun dips to go with it.

There is no way to segue so I will just say it. I would love to start dating again. The guy in the building doesn't seem to be all that interested, which is a shame. He seems very nice and completely real. If I were to date again, I really do not want the drama that came with it before. It would be super nice to go to a movie, have dinner talk to another adult.

Sometimes G2 functions really well in the "someone to talk to" space but it's really not fair to put her there. She is an incredibly mature young person but I do not want her taking on all that comes with being an adult. The last thing I want is for her to look back later on and ask "why did you lean on me?" It just isn't right for a Mom to do that.

All in all, I am still really tired. I am back into a funky sleep pattern. I am going to use this weekend to get back on track.

By the way (or not), I know I haven't been exercising, I am too busy and tired. I will let you know when I get back on to that tangent. It should be fun.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I'm sooo tired.....

Last night (or actually this morning) at about 3:30 a.m., my littlest came into my room because she couldn't sleep. This of course means mommy can't sleep either. I let her sleep next to me because I thought that would be of comfort to her. Now, I am so exhausted I can barely type.

G1 was so excited for her birthday!!! I love it when she gets so animated. Tomorrow night she is going to have some friends over to celebrate. I am really happy about that because she is so rarely social. It should be really fun. Her Dad ("what's his name") offered to buy pizza and that was kind of cool.

G2 has a party to go to this weekend and her knee seems to be improving so that's another bright spot.

Also, I don't work at my third job on Saturday so maybe I can get some rest before G3 has her choir thing at church on Sunday.

I have decided that I really need to let go of my third job. I don't think it is helping as much as it is taking away from the family. If I can focus, I think I can make up for the lost income by planning things better. I sure hope so. I am getting too old to always work six days a week. Plus I don't like missing out on all the kids stuff on the weekends.

I did start another home biz. Check it out by clicking HERE.

Hopefully there will be more to write about tomorrow......

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Holy Mackeral my Oldest is going to be 16!

I don't know how it happened! One day I have this infant, this quiet little bubba that barely peeped (unless she was hungry) the next, here she is - A big girl.

It's an amazing thing to watch a human being develop. Raising G1 has been a particularly wonderful experience for me. She communicates the opposite way that I do. I am very direct. G1 has a tendency to hold back much of what she is thinking until she is sure of things. She also has asberger's syndrome, as I have mentioned before. This has made our living and growing together so very rewarding. She takes a class in which she learns how to socialize more toward the norm. The beauty of it is that the teacher has never asked any of these student to change who they are. She has not so much been encouraged to "fit in" but to cope in a world that (in large part) thinks differently than she does. I personally think all middle school kids would benefit a great deal from the lessons that she has learned.

Another really wonderful thing about my eldest's personality is that she is incredibly honest. I refer to her as being "guileless" as this is the most positive way to look at it. She never fakes a good mood. She doesn't say things just to be nice. She also is very, very intelligent. She has an amazing ability toward public speaking. I used to think she was shy. She is not. She just keeps things to herself and is very particular about who she spends her time with.

I could go on and on about the virtues of my daughter as she brought me into this world of parenting I thought I would never approach. She started the best thing that I ever did- Be a MOM.

I love you baby. Happy Birthday :)

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

It only takes a second!

And everything changes.

It's really nothing as dramatic as it could be but my middle baby got hurt yesterday. During her first day of B-Ball tryouts she got hit in the knee and heard a pop! I am so lucky I work with the people I do. When I got her call all they said was go! We have an urgent care in town so we did not have to go to the ER. It was a long wait (about an hour so it could have been worse). The "Doctor", actually a physician's assistant, was really bitchy until I asked him ever so gently "has it been a long day? You seem irritated." Then, he was a little more personable. It's funny, I don't make near the amount those people do but, I am expected to treat others with respect. I would anyway but the point is that I think sometimes people in the medical field forget that they are dealing with actual people. My sisters would never behave that way. (I'm just sayin')

I am very proud of how pragmatic my G2 was about the whole thing. She had decided a while ago that she would rather play first string on the 9th grade team than make JV and sit on the bench. According to her line of thinking, this injury just assures her that she will get more playing time. THAT'S MY GIRL!

Anyway, again, I need to give snaps to "What's his name" as he was very helpful last night. He made dinner and held the house together while I was with G2 and when I went to my Mom's later to give her the meds she needs. What a neat way to end my day - I spent time with my Mom. Her memory is really getting bad from minute to minute. She kept saying "so when is your sister coming to town?" and "I should know this shouldn't I?" but she is in very good spirits. There is a calm about her that is so very welcome and warm. That was the biggest gift of all when she was helping with the kids. They got to spend time with her. When I would get home after school or work the house was warm and calm and we all felt loved.

So, tonite is conferences and two Girl Scout meetings.


Monday, November 16, 2009

Monday, Monday

I hope everyone had a great weekend. Mine was pretty good. Friday movie night went really well with G3. G2 had a date with a new fella and it seemed to go well. According to my G2, he is not her boyfriend since she isn't sure that is what she needs in her life right now. It seems that is what he wants but she needs to wait. I am so glad to hear her say that. It means she is thinking, not just feeling.

I had a really weird chat with "What's his name" about our living situation. I let him know that I felt really disrespected as he never even bothered to ask me if he could stay past August. I reminded him that my offer was only extended through the summer. I also told him that he needed to have a plan. He seems to think that this is for my benefit. It really is not. I would really like the kids to see him helping himself. I also encouraged him to get some medical insurance through the many programs that are available in our area. He said he doesn't believe in welfare. Uumm. WHAT? For some reason he thinks that unemployment is not part of the welfare system. I did the math. He has withdrawn all funds that were paid into these programs on his behalf. But, I guess there is no logic involved when you discuss things with a republican.

I did experience my first migraine on Sunday. Ouch. My two younger daughters get them and I can say they are incredibly brave. I tried to sleep to ease the pain. Of course G1 (the quiet one) came into my room twice to ask me something and when she did that two of the cats snuck in and we had to get them out. Timing is everything!

My sister (the DOCTOR) is coming into town this week. We will be celebrating Thanksgiving a little early. It will be fun, an opportunity to get the fam together. The kids are excited to see her. She is a really fun Auntie.

I was looking at my "calendar" and I have conferences for G3 I need to get G3 and her friend to Brownies (thank goodness I have a good friend who can pick them up!) and I am co-leading this year for G1's GS troop so I will be doing that too.Gosh I hope this headache calms down by tomorrow! I don't do well with pain.

Friday, November 13, 2009

It's Friday! Nuthin' better 'n that!

Yep, I am so happy it's almost the end of the week. I think I work tomorrow nite at my third job but that can be fun. It's a social place and I get along really well with my co-worker.

Now of course, tonite I spend time with my Mother. It's nice. She is really upbeat and always likes my new clothes. (of course I don't have new clothes, she just doesn't remember). I also really love that I can finally be of help.

Tonight is also movie night at G3's school. It's a nice deal. There are parent chaperons and the kids get to hang in a non-classroom setting. G3 has a lot of friends. She really is an amazing combination of G1 and G2. She has the emotional limitations of G1 along with the artistic / creative flair. She is also very socially adept like G2.

Oh yes and G2 has a date tonight with her new fella. According to her he is nice, smart friendly and interesting. I have met him, (otherwise they wouldn't be going out) and he does seem really nice. I do trust her judgment. She has a wonderful habit of thinking about how things could and should affect her future and she wants to do the right thing.

My beautiful G1 turns 16 next week. Doesn't that mean I am officially old?

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I have lots and lots of feelings going on so, I need to rant

Dear "What's his name",

I am really struggling with our living arrangement. First, after all this time being divorced, I still feel obligated to take care of you. Second, you really don't seem to think it's anything that deserves any special respect.

Our youngest daughter heard you tell your friend that you had a headache from "gaming" too much. You told me it was your sinuses. I don't think that you are even untruthful to be mean or thoughtless but it is. It shows us all that you either believe what you say or you think we are naive.

Also, for the (I don't know how many) time, you shorted your weekly payment to the family without forewarning. I have told you that I just need to know things like that as soon as you know. Now, I am going to have to scrape by on barely anything until I get paid. I could have planned for it but you told me the day after it took place. It is not a casual thing. There are things the kids need that I cannot provide due to this.

When G3 broke her glasses, you were sleeping on the couch. She feels very alone when you are there and I am not. I wish you understood what an opportunity this could be for the two of you. The older two had lived with you before, she has not. It could be a time for you two to bond. It doesn't seem to be working out like that at all.

I realize you don't love me. I also realize that you don't know how to love yourself. With the kids though, there is very little to it. Just be there. Open your eyes to what they go through, what they see. I guarantee you will gain much more than you give.

I have said this before: get a PLAN. I don't care if you work full-time (although that would be ideal). If you were to go back to school, take a training program, anything to show that you want things to get better I would be behind it 100%. I know it's not easy as I have been there myself when the kids were little. Where you are right now is the best time / place to think about self improvement. It would help everyone more than you could ever imagine.

I also believe that you have depression. I think that is what is behind the gaming / computer obsession. I am not an expert, just someone who has gone through it her whole life. Things don't have to be sad, low, down, tiring. It can get better. I want you to feel better and the kids and I cannot help until you want to feel better. It's a whole lot of work but it's worth it.

Your children love you, no matter what. Isn't that enough?
And for the rest who are reading this, sorry it's not as fun as I usually try to be but, here is a really cool website for the Mom's out there:


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Does my new style look spiffy?

Last night I decided to change the appearance of this blog. I got a picture (tot he left) from G1. G3 picked the template and G2 said it looked "cool". Everyone seemed to approve and I think it makes a statement. Let me know what you think! I would love to hear comments of any kind.

I am keeping it short today. I have lots of work to do.

Take care !

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

And again, busy, busy, busy

So, I had a really long meeting last night. Luckily, just prior to that I went to visit my Mom. I have been giving her medicine to her on Mondays and Fridays. Over the past two years or so she has aged quite a bit. She moved into an assisted living facility, which by the way is a wonderful place and recently it was decided that we needed to make sure she was taking what she needed.

Her short-term memory has been compromised and she also doesn't retain some other items like where I work or what I do. It's amazing though, what she does remember. She knows my kids birthdays. She remembers taking care of G3 - which she really misses. She is also very clear about my kid's individual personalities - but not what grades they are in. All in all still really is still very much my MOM. She is a very strong, loving and intelligent woman. I always believed that because I was her daughter I could do anything. This is the biggest reason that when things got hard I hung in there. Regardless of all that, I feel absolutely blessed that I am able to visit her. I am also grateful that I can finally help her.

So, I visited Mom, I went to that meeting, I cashed my check. It was about 9:00 before I was even at home. I did get a chance to chat with G2 and G3. I spoke a little to G1 but she and I tend to not need a lot of words. She did have a wonderful day off.

"What's his name" did take G2 to her sports registration which I really should give snaps for. I could be bitchy and complain about all the things he did last night that irritated me but as my Mom likes to "Your the one who married him"

Bless you Mom for your wisdom, guidance and above all your sense of humor!

Monday, November 9, 2009

I came to a great conclusion

I think I finally figured out why my work has been so mediocre. I have always considered myself to be fairly intelligent. There is really no other explanation for my kids being as sharp as they are.

The thing is, I make a lot of silly little mistakes in my work. Looking back, I don't think I ever thought I could get better. I remember when I was young I don't think there was a whole lot expected of me. Before I continue I do need to say that I have always felt loved and valued. I had wonderful parents. My Mom has stood by me through many, many things that others would not have. My Mom and Dad loved each other very much. I also need to say that I am not blaming anyone for anything. The point is that reaching for the stars was not what I was geared for. I guess I got into a really bad habit of expecting to screw up. Not anymore.

Recently, I have taken on an "Expect the Best" mantra. My work is error free. I am confident that when I enter journal entries or A/P item it is right. To be real honest with myself, for a long time when my errors were pointed out and my boss would get frustrated, I would think to myself "but do you see the errors others make?" This is a terrible way to look at things. It doesn't matter what others do. They don't have the same responsibilities I do and quite frankly it is none of my business. I can only deal with my stuff. And now I am. It will be a fabulous feeling during the upcoming month end to not have to answer the endless questions about why I did the wrong thing.

But, getting back to the blog title, here is my schedule today:

Work til 5:30
Go to Mom's to give her medicine
I have a volunteer meeting
I need to deliver some TS that was ordered (week's ago)
I need to pick up and cash my check from my second job
I need to pick up some groceries
if there is some extra time, I want to take a walk with one or all of my daughters. We'll see

OK, where's the cat??????????

Friday, November 6, 2009

Ow, Ow, Ow

I don't have much time and it hurts to move but I just need to say that I hope I can keep this exercise going. I know if I stop the pain would be for nothing.

G1 - G3 have been very encouraging. The night I was doing my cardio, G1 came in and said "could you fill this out for school?" and "Hey, are you watching 24". When I went to use some hand weights, G3 (always the encouraging one) said "Those are only five pounds". And, G2, nods her head in agreement (and I am assuming encouragement) when I tell of my accomplishments.

When they were little I would get positive reinforcement from them by saying "let's have a yay Mommy! " it was great and very enthusiastic. As they have gotten older they want to know why I deserve it! Ok, how about I feed, clothe and house you? It's never enough!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

OMG - I can't believe I promised to do this!

So, it's been two days since I said I would investigate this "Make your body ten years younger" plan.

The first night was ok. I did 20 minutes of cardio. I have had a Gazelle Elite leaning against my wall ever since we moved into this house so I thought this would help me with the cardio activity. I must say though, I miss my coat hanger. The fun part about this is that I discovered that 20 minutes on this contraption equals half an episode of 24 (on dvd). So, when times got tough I would think WWJBD (what would Jack Bauer do). It got me through so I do have to thank Keifer Sutherland and all the crew at 24.

I am in no shape to be doing this without getting exhausted but it's a good feeling to sweat a little and feel like I am doing something for me. So, ultimately, the cardio I will keep.

Now, I made the mistake of mentioning to a friend that I am starting to work out (again). I'm not sure if she has lot of faith in me or has a great sense of humor but she lent me a pilates video. This of course was to address the "core" workout portion of the plan. This is indeed a person I trust so last night I popped in this dvd. The tone was very relaxing and there was not a lot of ra ra from the instructor (or is she a model). Anyway, I lay down on the floor expecting to ease into the abdominal workout that was promised in the introduction. Don't get me wrong, I didn't expect it to be easy, I just didn't think the people who made this routine were insane!

I do think that if I could have stopped giggling long enough, I may have had a really great workout. I wasn't laughing because it was funny. It was funny though, the things they expected my body to do:

"Now, ease your shoulders upward while keeping your lower back flat. Now, walk your hands up your legs and grip your ankles HOLD, HOLD, HOLD (stop crying) HOLD and great, you did it!" OH, really, did I?!?!?!?!?

Now I have a new goal. I am going to work my way into doing this 10 pilates business. I know I can do it. It may take. It may take sweat and it may take determination but I can do this.

Or, I might just take a nap. Honesty, who knows what I'll do.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I said I would start today

Well, first thing in the morning is never a good time to start anything. I did have pastry for breakfast. Let's move on from there.

I grabbed a magazine from home in order to investigate one article on weight loss. I was drawn to one: "Take 10 years off Your Body". Ok, not necessarily weight loss as it is body improvement. Since this is what I am really after I decided to take a look. Now, since I am sitting at a computer, I thought "Hey, I'll look it up online". So, I went to this mag's website. I was drawn to an article about Valerie Bertinelli, the adorable teen star of the 1970's sit com, "One day at a Time". She sure seems happy, bless her heart. And, indeed she has done some wonderful things weight - wise. I read some of the text but still do not know how she did it. I am assuming Jenny Craig helped (I saw the commercials).

OK, back to my quest. How can I take 10 years off my body. I seriously wouldn't mind it. 10 years ago I was XXX -50 pounds and I had a lot more energy so, I dug a little deeper. But then got interrupted by a floating survey which I answered and then floated over to the results. I don't even remember what they asked me or what the results were but I did have to find my way back to that article.

I didn't read all of it but from what I gather I should:

"Do moderately intense cardio for 30 minutes, five days a week, or vigorously intense cardio for 20 minutes, three days a week."

But wait, there's more.

In addition to the cardio I should:

"Work your core muscles -- which include your abs, back, and pelvis -- two to three times a week."

OK. Is that it? No, don't be silly! We are erasing age!

"Gently stretch all your major muscle groups at least twice a week (but ideally every day)."

One more thing:

"Do eight to 10 strengthening exercises (eight to 12 reps each) twice a week."

Ok, so here is how I see it:

In addition to working 40 - 48 hours a week, raising my three daughters (and everything that entails) and heavy sighing because of "what's his name" I need to fit in 2.5 hours of cardio, 1 hours of core training, stretching every day (hey, I may as well go for ideal) and 40 minutes (approx) of strength training. Hmmmm.

I love working out five days per week and strengthening my core two to three times a week (and stretching daily and strength training also
I love working out five days per week and strengthening my core two to three times a week (and stretching daily and strength training also
I love working out five days per week and strengthening my core two to three times a week (and stretching daily and strength training also
I love working out five days per week and strengthening my core two to three times a week (and stretching daily and strength training also
I love working out five days per week and strengthening my core two to three times a week (and stretching daily and strength training also

I can start this tomorrow, right?

Monday, November 2, 2009

I really should lose some weight

I have said this a lot in my life. It used to be (when I was in my 20's) If I gained a little weight I would lose my appetite. It sure isn't that way anymore.

When I was going through my divorce I lost 50 pounds in a month. In fact, when we reunited and went to our marriage counselor, he asked "What's his name" if that was why he wanted to get back together.

This time, it would not be for anyone but me. My daughters think I am fine the way I am. G2 did say that if I was unhappy she would be willing to encourage me to exercise more or even work out with me. I think that this is something I need to do on my own.

But, what the heck am I going to do? Here are a few ideas:

Replace my snack food with healthier items (veggies perhaps)
Take a walk with one of the girls at night
Sit ups (ha ha ha ha)
I could also buy a variety of women's magazines as they always seem to have helpful hints about how to lose 10 pounds a week
Or, I could actually read the women's magazines I have purchased in the past to see if there are any good ideas.

Ok, I have a great idea!!! I am going to share these ideas out here. I will try these helpful hints and let people know if they are effective and as easy as they profess to be on the covers!!! Unless of course I don't feel like it.

To keep my motivated, I will report my results out here.

I will start with admitting my weight. Currently, I weigh XXX pounds. I will let you know how it changes as time goes on.
Also, I wear a size **. As soon as that changes, I will let everyone know.

Ok, I will start


Friday, October 30, 2009

Ok, I don't get "crushes" ever any more

But, a while back, I met somebody that works in my building. I have never seen a more genuine smile. He's intelligent and above all very calm. I have learned a couple things since I started thinking he was cool.

1. Don't carry and or eat a snickers bar if you might run into your crush in the elevator. It just doesn't look good. (in my defense, my sugar level was terribly out of balance and I felt like I was going to pass out).
2. Be careful what T-shirt you borrow from your marketing department after you spill coffee on the clean white shirt you wore even though you should know better. (I wasn't thinking. The shirt said LIKEME.NET - It just looks sooooo needy!)

With all the kid stuff going on, dating really isn't a primary focus but I have found myself daydreaming. Somebody to see movies with. Someone over 15 to actually talk to! Somebody to see the occasional cool band with. Someone to listen to after a day's work.

It's been very long time since I have even been interested in someone romantically. I have three jobs. I have kids to tend to. I have to sleep! Now, there is my fascination with Jack Bauer but that's just my imagination. It's safe and there is no risk. To actually try to pursue anything that personal terrifies me. My whole perspective has changed in regard to dating. I used to romanticize everything about relationships. Now I find myself being morbidly realistic. Do they have a job? Do they look at the bright side (or do they even have a bright side) are they able to balance a check book (thank you "insert name here") and above all are they independent enough to not be first in my life?

I still think about the perfect first date. A nice dinner, dessert near a lake shore, maybe spend time at a local club all of which gives us a chance to chat and get to know one another. Then of course there is the inevitable first kiss. After that if all is going well, I could introduce him to my kids and oh yeah


How on earth could I explain that one??????

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The best things in life are free

But you can give to the birds and bees. I want Money.

Ok, I don't really feel that way. I am just so budgetfrustrated right now.

What I would really love is to find something I enjoy doing that I could make a bit extra with. I have tons of ideas. I have a home business but that is selling and I don't think I am pushy enough. Plus, in order to make the real bucks you have to recruit. Not my thing at all.

It's amazing, I restructure my budget every week to make sure I get through until the next payday but something always comes up. Food for the kids, the house payment all of those irritating little expense...the list is endless.

I know I am not the only one that is suffering. "What's his name" hasn't had a full time job for 19 months (and counting) so I guess it could be worse.

I have been doing some little things to cut costs. I have been taking leftovers to work (Today it's Beef Stew!). I have been shutting off the heat when the house is plenty warm and I turn off lights when I leave the room. Of course these little items will not help me with the car payment that's due but one thing at a time.

The kids are great as far as being understanding about money things. I really do wish I could give them more. I think that this may help them in the long run though. Sometimes when you grow up without money worries you don't learn to be responsible about budgeting and planning. I try to impart some knowledge in that area to them with real world examples like letting them know prices of certain items and how my salary relates to the time I spend at work. I just don't want to burden them with things that are mine to deal with.

oops! Speaking of money, I need to get back to work. It's a reporting day.

Happy Wednesday!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

What have I done for me lately?

Well, I made a declaration in my blog that I would do something every day to improve my life. Ummm. I try, I really do but lately I have just been reacting. I can say that last night I did a few good things.

I went to dinner with a very good friend I haven't seen in a long, long time. She is someone I have known since high school and was visiting town so we went to dinner. Good for me!
I picked up my middle daughter (G2) from BBall practice. Good for us, as we had a chance to chat. We really have fun with the chats.
I helped my youngest (G3) with big a 3rd grade project, and did not yell at "what's his name" when he sat by (slaying dragons) and watched her struggle. That last part was good for all of us because the fighting does not help it just makes everyone sad and tense.
My oldest has been struggling with homework as high school is a high volume homework situation. I used to try to be very gentle and encouraging with her as she does have an ASD. I have decided recently that I am going to have put the hammer down a bit. My tone is a bit more stern and I am a lot more straight forward. I am proud to say that her response is very positive. She will be trying to get into post secondary schooling in a couple of years and she has a wonderful mind. I don't want her missing out!

Well, it ain't slaying dragons but at least I helped a few real people!

Woo hooo!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Where did my blog title come from?

Way back when I first was a single Mom of three my life was unbelievably busy. I had a seven year old a five year old and a newborn. I was also working full time and trying to finish my degree. In addition, I had "What's his name" to cope with and (insert name here) I was trying to maintain a friendship with. Talk about being pulled in all directions!

I got into the habit of telling fun stories about my kids to pretty much anyone who would listen. Many told me I should write a book. At the time I took it as a compliment. I wonder now if they just wanted me to stop telling them these cute little stories. ????

I got as far as a few chapters.

Here is part of chapter one:

Multitasking: Microsoft may have coined that phrase but mother's have been doing it for centuries. I never realized how much I could accomplish all at once until I became a single mother of three. Not to toot my own horn as I know I am not the only one, I am just proud of my ability to juggle so much. When I was in college I couldn't get anything done and all I did was go to school (ok, and the occasional club).

Anyway, one of my crowning moments in motherhood was a day I had decided to make a roast for dinner (on a school night). G1 was having trouble with math homework so I was helping her. G2 was reading to me from a school assignment. I was nursing G3 when the timer went off on my oven. I was able to continue everything while getting dinner on the table!!!! Woo hoo. Good times.

Later that same week I got a visit from (insert name here). I hadn't seen him in a while so I was glad he was there. Here is how that evening went:

Oh Hey (insert name here) I am so glad you stopped by."
A2: "Mom A1 just kicked me!"
A1: "Only because A2 won't shut off the light"
A2: "I am trying to read!!!!!"
A3: "Waaaaaaaaaaaa!

(Insert name here) just read the newspaper.

Me, I was on the couch, with a cat sitting on my head.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

It's been a few days

Wow! What a busy weekend! Kids stuff mostly. Girl Scouts for 1 & 3 and band stuff for 2.

I am really proud to say that I have change my mountain of laundry into a small hill that can be easily walked around in our laundry hallway. It's amazing what can be accomplished when you put your mind to it, oh and give up a Saturday night and Sunday afternoon.

Now that I am writing this blog, I get blocked. I remember back when the kids were little and I had come up with a title for the book I wasgunna write. I had the funniest stuff going on! Now, I can't think of anything to write about.

Also, it's 6:13 and I have no idea what to make for dinner. I just went grocery shopping but I don't feel like making anything that I bought. Tacos? Spaghetti? Chicken Chatchatori? (okay I don't know how to spell it but I do know how to make it). The choices!!! To many, cannot decide......If I wasn't exhausted I was have stress! Thank God for exhaustion!

At least I get to go to work tomorrow. Did I just say that!?!?!?! Either I am getting old or I need to get out more!!!! Speaking of getting old. Does it make you old if you jam to Copacabana? I caught my self "Rockin' out " to Barry Manilow. Maybe I was just caught up in the moment but I remember a time when I wouldn't be caught dead listening to him let alone enjoying it!

I think I write better when I am at my desk at work. Hmmmm

Let's see, tomorrow: How I came up with my blog title, 1,000 people need my attention and there's a cat sitting on my head.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Same Day, Different Post

I have realized that my focus has been really bad lately. I am going to need to push myself to pay better attention, especially at work. I can be much more accurate than I have been. It does not have to be such a struggle.

It may be a really great opportunity to leave the home stuff at home. It I do this correctly, I will be able to leave work at work and home at home. What a concept.

I really do love my job. I especially feel fortunate that I work with a group of people that I respect. I do get really worried that with the job market the way it is I could end up losing this job that I love.

I can be more accurate
I can be more accurate
I can be more accurate
I can be more accurate
I can be more accurate
I can be more accurate
I can be more accurate

Oops. That is not the secret:

I am very accurate
I am very accurate
I am very accurate
I am very accurate
I am very accurate
I am very accurate
I am very accurate
I am very accurate
I am very accurate
I am very accurate
I am very accurate

That's better.

Just a quick one

I need to give snaps when they are due. "What's his name" seems to have stepped up his presence with the kids. He went with us to an event for G1 and was up and ready to help G3 get to the school bus. I think that is a really great start in the right direction.

Work is so weirdly busy I have to get back to it.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

What can you do when a person does not want to feel better?

Well, "What's his name" and I had an argument last night about his computer use. It was bound to happen. The kids have been frustrated and I think feel alienated when he is showing that they are not a priority. He was going to help G3 with her homework. She was supposed to read to a parent and I thought it was really cool that he would be the one to listen this time. She started to read and he was "slaying a dragon" so he asked her to wait. I got quite angry because it was getting close to her bedtime. Again, it's more about showing that they are a priority than anything else. Anyway, I sat down to listen to her read so she could get her assignment done. After that, he sat down also. Finally I just said I was concerned about the message he was sending the kids. I think I also said something like "do you have any idea how much time you spend on this thing!?!?!" He responded with "I KNOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH TIME I SPEND ON THE COMPUTER!" The conversation sort disintegrated from there. I did tell him that it was bothering the kids and he said that they never mentioned it.....

The hard part is that if he moves, which would be emotionally ideal, I would not be able to make it financially as I don't think he would pay child support if he was out on his own.

There are moments lately that I really feel like I am reliving my marriage. I guess I could handle that but I do not want the kids to go through it again.

I don't think I am doing too well on my blog mission. I was going to do something every day to make my life better. I guess writing this out is helpful but I was hoping to make more progress.

Well, back to the secret:

I am so glad "What's his name" is no longer sleeping in my living room.
I am so glad "What's his name" is no longer sleeping in my living room.
I am so glad "What's his name" is no longer sleeping in my living room.
I am so glad "What's his name" is no longer sleeping in my living room.
I am so glad "What's his name" is no longer sleeping in my living room.
I am so glad "What's his name" is no longer sleeping in my living room.
I am so glad "What's his name" is no longer sleeping in my living room.
I am so glad "What's his name" is no longer sleeping in my living room.
I am so glad "What's his name" is no longer sleeping in my living room.


I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid

Let's see if that helps.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

my darling G1

I had a really great interaction with my oldest (G1) last night.

I hadn't mentioned it so far but my oldest daughter has Asperberger's Syndrome. Here is a basic wiki definition http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger%27s_Syndrome

What that means to A1 and the rest of our family is that she doesn't interact and react like the rest of us do. Sometimes it is challenging and usually is fabulous. She has a tendency to see things a bit differently and, since she is so capable of sharing her thoughts, I usually end up learning something. I am a lucky Mom!

Last night, A1 (who is an honor student) was having a terrible amount of stress because she got behind on her homework. In these situations, when the rest of us may just hunker down and get done what we can, A1 panics. She ends up doing something that really doesn't help the situation, like surf the net or brush her hair.

I am not a "do this, do that" kind of parent. I practice what I like to call suggestive parenting. My kids seem to really respond to it. This way, I can guide them in their decisions rather than dictate them and when they go out into the world they will be accustomed to accepting their choices and hopefully making good ones. So far so good!

Back to the point. My poor A1 was really freaking out about all the homework she had to do. She was also getting into saying that maybe it was just too much for her. I had never really been this pushy with her but I ended up taking her through her day since she had gotten home. I pointed out how much time she had net surfed and how much time she spent talking about how much she had to do when in fact, she could have been using that time to get some things done. She really is quite amazing because not only did she take my suggestions but she also really stood firm and asserted herself with me. It was like talking to a very confident young adult. We came to the conclusion that making lists each day would be a very helpful method of organization for two reasons:

1. It will keep her tasks straight
2. It will show her that her tasks are not insurmountable

I worry about my A1 probably more than the other two. She seems to need more step-by-step instructions to get through many circumstances but, last night was reassuring.

Wow I love an evening of successful parenting!

Monday, October 19, 2009

And the hits just keep on comin'

So, the last I wrote my middle gal (G2) was trying to convince "What's his name" not to spend money on parts to fix their computer. Not sure if he ignores what he doesn't want to hear or if he just didn't understand. Now we have two working computers.

I am thinking back to my days of therapy. My favorite session was when my counselor said "now let's take a look at your responsibility in this situation". At first I was angry because I felt as if I was the only one taking any responsibility. Then after a few deep breathes and a minute or two of ranting, I realized that there is some freedom to that statement. I could choose what would take place. I can't control "What's his name" 's actions but I can make choices about how I respond to them. So, what the hell am I going to do? I don't know but there are many other improvements I can make at home and I will start that this evening.

First, the gals and I need a calendar of events. G1 & G3 have girl scouts starting, G2 has basketball. I am involved with a committee or two that will be starting soon. The evenings are soooo busy that it is hard to keep up. Keeping organized will be one way for me to keep my sanity - relatively speaking.

Also, I do need to approach "What's his name" in regard to some of his behaviors. I don't really believe he wants to hurt anyone, especially his daughters. He just seems so mired down in depression that he isn't able to take care of himself let alone think about others. I know I cannot fix him. I just need to be straight with how I am feeling and with what I am hearing from the girls.

This weekend I actually went out. I don't do that very often at all so it was a terrific opportunity to blow off some steam and see a really cool 60s & 70s type band. Good times. It was a friend's birthday and it was great to celebrate with her. I am so grateful that I can trust me children at home alone. G2 had a bunch of friends over and they were a nice group. They played Rock Band and watched some movies. Nothing was broken and there were no complaints from G3 which means all were very well behaved. I was exhausted though. Because I wanted the night off I switched shifts at my second (or is it 3rd) job. I was at work at 5:30 (ok 5:40) in the morning on Saturday and did not get home until after 2. When I get too old for that?? I remember a time when it would even phase me to loose sleep.

Ok, now I am
reminiscing. Time to move back into this century.....

"See" you tomorrow.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Sometimes, it is sad to see how smart my children have to be but I am really proud of them

I had a very intense conversation with G2 regarding "What's his name" last night. She has been wanting to go to a local amusement park to see "What's his name" 's show. He had said that he would get them tickets. Now he is saying he can't afford it because he wants to buy parts for their computer. A2 is saying, and I agree that we don't need a second computer. "What's his name" has said that he wants to be able to use his computer. A2 has countered with the fact that they are at school all day so he has plenty of time.

He has also taken to stealing soda from the kids and hoarding his own. I really cannot imagine being that desperate.

G2 and I had a very long talk about her taking on too much responsibility in regard to "What's his name". I am worried about how much she worries and tries to be his caretaker. I did tell her that protecting her and her sisters (G1 & G3) was my job and I am happy to do it.

Here is what she told me. "I know that you take care of us. I feel the need to get involved though. I am afraid that one day, when he is older and coming to the end of his life he will have nothing and that would break my heart." Deep for 14 isn't she?

Thursday, October 15, 2009

WOW! What a day! I just sat down to eat lunch no time to blog. I did promise myself that I would write something every work day so here goes.

Last night I called a friend I have not seen in about 25 years. That was the fabulous thing I did for myself last night. It was great to talk to her.

Tonite we have a big event for my company. It's my favorite all year so I cannot wait!!!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Day one - DO something to be more positive

Have you ever had one of those days when everything goes right? Me either! So far today is nothing but putting out fires. Work is really terrific though since I am able to deal with this stuff as it comes up - Yay mommy!

Anyway, last night I did a couple of things that felt really good. I called my Mom and that is always a wonderful thing. She is at the point where she doesn't necessarily remember that I called but we always have wonderful reaffirming chats. She is getting older but not less fabulous.

I also called my sister. This time it was just to see how she is. Not about Mom, not about my struggles. I just called to say "I know you are busy so I was just checking in".

I have also been working on affirmations. This is something I learned from another fabulous sister. Apparently, this is the secret that Oprah spoke so highly of a while back. If you live as if you have achieved your goals, you will achieve them. My thing right now is that I tell myself that it is wonderful to have all my bills paid.

Oh I just remembered a really important affirmation: I am so glad that "What's his name" no longer sleeps in my living room!
I am so glad that "What's his name" no longer sleeps in my living room!
I am so glad that "What's his name" no longer sleeps in my living room!
I am so glad that "What's his name" no longer sleeps in my living room!
I am so glad that "What's his name" no longer sleeps in my living room!

That's it!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Eight and half years on my own and now

I have these three fabulous children. Each of them, their own person with wonderful unique talents and gifts. Honestly, I don't know how it happened. Suddenly, I have two in High School. They are both on the honor roll consistently. My youngest is in the gifted and talented program at her grade school. They really are the best thing that ever happened to a mom.

Of course there is one little glitch: "What's his name". He has been unemployed for over a year and a half. about six months ago, he needed to find a place to live. Since I knew that without help he wouldn't be able to make his regular child support payments I decided to let him live with us. Let me repeat the important part: I decided. I need to keep reminding myself that every time I wonder how did this happen. My offer was for him to stay the summer. October is half over and he has no job leads and it doesn't seem like any desire to get full time work.

Today, I decided that I will take this blog to a productive new level. I have been reliving the past lately. I have had the same conversations (arguments) with "What's his name" that I had nine, ten and even eleven years ago. I cannot change him but I can change my take on this whole situation. From now on, each day I am going to do something to move my attitude into a new positive direction. Sometimes it may just be this blog reminding me of the good and fun things my kids do. My goal though is to actively do something each day that will better my life.

I will keep you all posted and let's see what happens!

Monday, October 12, 2009

G3 - My final family blessing. How did this happen!!!

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. Case in point, my youngest daughter. It began after my divorce was final. "What's his name" was living with his brother and would visit the kids on the weekends. I have never wanted to keep my kids from having a relationship with their Dad. In order to do this, I have had to be somewhat giving. Even recently, since he hasn't had a car, I would bring them over on the weekends so they would have their time with him. Sometimes that would also mean that on the occasional Saturday or Sunday I would pick G2 up and bring her to basketball games or G1 and G3 to various other activities. I believe that I don't have a right to stand in the way of them loving their Dad.

Anyway, in the beginning I would let him stay at the house for his visits. Since I was seeing (insert name here) it actually worked out really well. I got some time off, which was really helpful. The beginning of dating (insert name here) was really great. He was independent, capable and very caring. Of course though, I didn't really trust me or others and this led to doubting anything could last and I was not about to get dumped again.

To be honest, I was not really in a place to have a stable love relationship and I got in too deep way to fast. The second I got insecure and since "What's his name" was there, I turned to him. I also do not lie so I had to tell (insert name here). "What's his name" and I wanted to give our marriage another try and (insert name here) was very supportive. He said that the kids deserved to have both parents if that was at all possible.

It didn't take very long though to see that it really wasn't going to work. I didn't trust "What's his name" and his "sweet" gestures were really nothing but painful. Here is an example: One week I asked him if he had his portion of the daycare money (not a small amount as there were two kids we were paying for). He didn't and couldn't give me a reason until I pushed really hard. He told me that he had gotten me a Christmas present - A tennis bracelet. I told him I didn't play tennis. I felt really trapped because it was a very kind gesture but if I was going to have to pay the daycare it really wasn't a gift at all. I realized I needed to either be on my own or with someone who was realistic. Once I made the decision that I couldn't rebuild this marriage there was a great deal of relief. I told "What's his name" and he was very angry. I remember thinking it was pretty amazing how he made the same arguments I did when he first told me he wanted to leave.

After all was said and done and we both knew he needed to go, I found out I was pregnant. Honestly, I was terrified. I wasn't staying in the marriage and I had no idea how I was going to care for not two but three children! The amazing thing is, G3 was the one that completed our family circle. The gals and I started working as a team. We each were MVPs in our own way and I finally felt somewhat complete.

Next time:

What does any of this have to do with anything????

Friday, October 9, 2009

Dating when your ex won't leave

Oh, I tried. I met one really nice man on, of all things AOL.....

There were times when it was awkward. Like the time that my oldest daughter (A1) asked me in front of "What's his name" "So, did you sleep with (insert name here) last night?"
I almost choked! But said What?!?!?! She said "Well, did you have a sleepover last night?".

These moments and other massive amounts of changes took place over about a 4 week period of time. I really enjoyed dating (insert name here). He was very self-sufficient He even balanced his own checkbook !!! I nearly cried.

But then, I got very insecure. I didn't think I was getting enough attention from (insert name here).

I am writing during lunch so I have no more time today.

Next, how my insecurity led to my 3rd and final family blessing A3.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

so, now I am single

My initial reaction to "What's his name" wanting a divorce was to fight for my marriage. However. as I watched him get deeper and deeper into a "virtual" life I realized that there was nothing there worth fighting for so, I made a vow to focus on the kids. Also, an interesting piece of all of this is that even though "What's his name" wanted the divorce, he never filed. I waited a month. Then two. Finally, I wanted him out. I knew I couldn't get on with my new life without something solid in place.

I found a wonderful lawyer. She was able to be very objective. She encouraged me to keep the kids' happiness a priority. She taught me that a 1,500 401k was not worth fighting for. She taught me that the arguments we were having were un-winnable for either of us and above all she got the job done.

I remember the night he got served with divorce papers. I was there because he would not move out of the house. I thought that it was so strange that he was angry. he yelled and of course told his "girlfriend" all about it. Finally I just said "At least you could say thank you. After all this is what you wanted".

Here is one of my all time favorite arguments about the terms of the divorce:

"What's his name": "Well, how come you get the house?"
Me: "Because the kids are living here and I will not move them"
"What's his name": "Well, ok but how come you get the car?"
Me: "Oh "What's his name" because you don't have a valid driver's license"
"What's his name": "I'm gonna get one soon"
Me: "Ok, can you make the car payment?"
"What's his name" "No"
Me: "Ok, so, what are we arguing about?"

Then there was the time he said I wasn't a good wife because I didn't teach him how to balance a checkbook. Umm, we met when he was 26....I guess I didn't know it was necessary.

And on and on.

What happened next?

How do you date when you are in the middle of a divorce and your soon-to-be ex "What's his name" will not leave.

That's tomorrow folks. Stay tuned.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Other "Woman"

So there I was, married with two kids, working two jobs and going to school full-time. My husband declares that he is not happy and doesn' t want to be married anymore. I was not surprised but I guess I didn't get why it was all my fault. There were times that "What's his name" was spending up toward 18 hours on the internet and I really didn't get what the big pull was to not be with three dimensional people, yet I had made him miserable.....
As I had said before, I was not the most confident person in the world so mostly I did feel that this was all my fault. Part of me was also very suspicious so one day I started checking the history on the computer. I also checked out his e-mail account. Of all things there was an e-mail from someone who loved "What's his name" very, very much and couldn't wait to spend the rest of her life with him. What th' ?????
So, as insecure as I was, I wasn't going to let him think he could get away with lying to me.

As an aside, I never understood this lying business from him. He has never been able to lie to me without me finding out later. I always have. If it hadn't been such a painful way to find out the truth I would have been laughing at the stupidity of it all. Why not just say "I met someone else" Oh wait! I know, they hadn't met. They had just ya know "met".

I confronted "What's his name". He of course was infuriated that I invaded his privacy and anyway she would be a better wife and mother than I ever was. Now, I grant you that maybe he wouldn't have to wrestle the remote away from her and they had never had an argument but that's probably because THEY HADN'T MET FACE TO FACE.

At this time, Greyhound was $99. During one of our many arguments I offered him the bus fare to go and meet her because, after all, if she was really the one...
Well, no. They were not ready to meet yet. As angry and scared as I was I thought that was hysterical and I realized then that I was not losing all that much.

After this I realized that I really didn't want the marriage either. I wanted me and my children to have a happy, relatively normal life. How could I ever do that on my own.....

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Internet Addiction: My Story

First, a little sidebar. I want to keep names out of this so, I will be referring to my ex as "What's his name".

When I was in my teens, my mom gave me this advice when ever I broke up with or was broken up with by a boyfriend: "I know it seems like the end of the world but years from now, you will look back on this and think, I wonder whatever happened to old What's-his-Name." Anyway, that is why the clever pseudonym.

After "What's his name" and I had our second child, I went back to college. I definitely overdid it. I was working a full-time job, a part-time job and going to school full-time. We had kids to feed and I wanted to be a good example for them, working, educating and trying my best to be all I could be. "What's his name" said he would be supportive. At that time we had gotten hooked up with AOL. I thought it was a cute hobby for him. He looked up stuff. He built a family tree. Good times.

What I didn't know is that he was also "meeting" people online. Now, that in and of itself is not a bad thing at all. It's nice to chat with people that do not judge. I did notice however that as time went on he was spending more and more time online. I found out soon how much priority he had given to these online relationships because of my middle daughter (at the time she was our youngest and she was about three)

Again, sidebar. For the sake of anonymity I will be referring to my kids as G1, G2 and G3.

One day, G2 came to me, very excited "Mom c'mere and see what I did". She took me into her room and showed me that she had rearranged the closet. The clothes were in order by color, shoes were lined up, everything was perfect. I told her how proud I was of her and that it was such a big job! What a fab kid! She wanted to show "What's his name". She said "Come see what I did in our room!". His response was quite familiar by then, from his computer desk he said "in a minute, I am in the middle of something". My darling, wise daughter looked at me and said "I need to be pretty patient with him". It about broke me heart.

It continually amazes me that a person can physically be somewhere and not be there at all.


The other "woman"

Monday, October 5, 2009

The Beginning of the end - Naww it's a BEGININNG

So, how did single momhood happen for me? To be honest, I thought being married would be the only way I would cease being lonely. I definitely loved him but cannot say for sure there was ever any real trust. That wasn't his fault. I was very insecure. He seemed hooked. I now know those feelings don't make a marriage.
We had our first child within a year of our wedding. We had our second seventeen months later. both of us had low paying office jobs and money (as with most) was always an issue. To keep us afloat I took control of the finances. This led to lots of arguments, hurt feelings and very little enjoyment in regard to parenthood. Looking back, I would have preferred to appreciate my two oldest more. They are really fabulous people.

I think the divorce started to take shape long before he told me he wanted out. Here is where I think it started: He got an internet connection.

I will explain more in my next entry "Addiction - the internet".

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Today it the first day I have ever blogged


For Many years I have wanted to write a book. I even had a name (and a few chapters). The idea came to me when I had my third child. The kids dad had moved out, and I felt like I was the busiest person on the planet. I was very proud of all I was accomplishing. It wasn't easy but I really think, even now it's worth it.

I am starting this blog for a number of reasons. First, I have learned a lot in my 16 years of parenting. Second, I know I still have a lot to learn. I think that writing ideas, challenges and great moments will help me work through so much! Much like when I have a challenge at work, talking it through usually leads me to a solution.

If anyone is reading this, I appreciate it. If not, I hope eventually someone will. Feedback is very much appreciated. Please be kind, I am human and have a fragile ego!

So, here is where it starts. My next entry will give a much better introduction to who I am, how I got here and what is going on now.