Friday, April 30, 2010

Tonite I see "What's his name"'s parents

My baby G2 is in a Pops concert tonight with the concert band. My ex in-laws are coming down to see it. I think that is so cool. They have been really good to me - especially since the divorce. They really didn't choose sides or get overly involved.

This weekend I work on Saturday but before that, I need to drive G2 to a track meet. I honestly don't know how she does all that she does - I am just glad she does...

And yes, "What's his name" still has not gotten paid. Funny, it seems to bother me more than it does him. Of course he is able to borrow money from his children...................

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

An update on life in the "What's his name" is sleeping on my couch status

Ok, to be honest, he is not really sleeping on my couch. He is sleeping on his couch - in my living room. Has not given my any money to speak of in 5 weeks. He sold a few things and gave me a twenty here and there but I have basically been trying to subsist on only my income - not an easy feat for four of us.

He is working and has (I think) finally gotten paid. This is a temp job so this is not a get of my house card - yet. Again, I hope this position will motivate him to do more for himself. The irony of this job though is that it is sort of a work-from-home position for the most part. Of course, it's my home......

Beyond that I finally have a cell phone again. It is very exciting! I can text, send pictures oh yeah, and make phone calls...

Work is going well. I think I am letting myself get kind of stale though and I need to find my energy again.

G1 went to Animae Detour recently and has discovered that she doesn't much like crowds but she had a good time.

G2's prom date fell through. Apparently, on their second date he had asked her to be his girlfriend. She told him that she thought they should get to know each other better and next thing you know he stopped calling and didn't return her messages. Later we found out that he is going with someone else. I am so proud of her though. She really wasn't hurt as much as irritated that he couldn't just be honest with her.

G3 was recently in the 3rd grade production of Mary Poppins. She had gotten the part she wanted - Jane Banks. I was so proud of her!

This is all great stuff but I really need to spice things up. I would love to take a trip - even just a quick jaunt "Up North". All I do is work, work and work. I really think I should reactivate my fun valve. If anyone has a suggestion as to how to do that please let me know! PLEASE

Monday, April 12, 2010

Hoping for a little self improvement

So, I have been thinking about all the things that have been getting me down: Money, "What's his name", money, my weight, money, my lack of energy and on and on. I realized that even though I cannot immediately do anything about my financial situation or "what's his name" I may be able to take a stab at my weight issue thus helping with my lack of energy issue. I am going to get "back on the horse" by starting to exercise again. I have the Gazelle Elite that I can jump on each nite and I could take a walk with my baby (G3). I can also be just a little more careful about the things I am eating.

So, my new and improved goal is to work on the things I can do something about. As far as "What's his name" goes, I may need to get a better second job so that when he can't pay me it won't damage me and when he does pay, it will enhance our lives. I will also continue to remind him that he has a responsibility to pay the money he owes me. I was thinking that I had been very clear but he doesn't seem to get how critical it is to let me know what is going on with his unemployment or when he will start to get paid from his new job. (SIGH)

I also think that blogging more would be very helpful to me. In the long run, this will be a great way to have a record of what goes on with the kids. By the way they are really fabulous. G1 has her struggles but of all my kids, I have learned the most from her. G2 is doing very well with pretty much everything. G3 is my baby. She is very smart and very head strong. This is a very challenging combination but if she is directed the right way she will be an unmitigated success.

So, all in all things don't suck so much :)

Happy Monday everyone.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

If my Life were a gameshow, it would be...

Jeopardy. Here is why:

I have always considered myself to be relatively intelligent, I have a college education, I have been raising three really good children on my own for the past nine years, I handle complex accounting issues daily and pretty much find solutions to many of life's little dilemmas.

Round one, I choose: Dr. Spock for $1,000 Alex. The answer is A CONFIDENT LOVING CHILD

What is "What does communication, caring and consistency produce?" Ding, Ding, Ding! For a thousand dollars!

Now Alex I choose finances for $500. The answer is TO MAKE SURE ALL YOUR BILLS ARE PAID.

What is "The reason you work and encourage your kids' father to pay child support. Ding, Ding, Ding! For a five hundred dollars!

Skipping ahead, I have won every round (mathematics, history, teen dating, temper tantrums from a nine year old, even autism) but final Jeopardy is Potpourri ooooooo and I bet it all!


My question: "Why do people like and respect me so much" Alex OH! sorry mommy1964 that is incorrect! The winning answer would be "Why is your ex-husband still living with you after almost a year and now can't pay you anything because his unemployment ran out".

Oh mommy1964 I am sure all that money would have gone a long way toward feeding and educating your children but unfortunately it looks like you may just need to take on more hours at you second job. Good luck to you!

Monday, March 29, 2010

I am grateful my children are healthy

I am also a little panicked that I won't be able to buy food for them. I am sure things will work out. I am not the kind of person who lets things just happen to her or her children. I have reached out for help and I do have faith that I will get help.

Other than that, I really slept a lot this weekend. I am not sure if the stress is making me tired or if the depression is starting to rear it's ugly head. During the week everything goes well. It is really helpful to get up and go to a job I love with people I respect.

My sister (the doctor) is in town. I wish I felt comfortable asking her for help but that really is not an option. I would have to go through a whole bunch of explaining why things got so bad and it really is embarrassing. Looking back, I should have been prepared for this. I knew "What's his name's" unemployment would run out and I also knew he wasn't prepared for that eventuality. I have to say that when I asked him about a plan he answered me very nicely without being defensive so I am also grateful for that.

To any friends that happen to read this, it is not a plea for money. I am really just expressing myself. I promise if it came down to it, I would be very direct.


Thursday, March 25, 2010

I really do not want to write about money

But I am so broke that is the only thing I am thinking about.

I just applied for energy assistance. My ex didn't get his unemployment so I am without funds. I had help from a really fabulous friend but I hate doing that. I also do not like being a failure for my kids to see.

That's all folks.

Friday, March 19, 2010

And the Band Played on....

Life just keeps going.

I had a meeting will G1's special education team yesterday. It was truly a wonderful experience. They are so dedicated to preparing her for the future. What a gift! We talked about both positive behaviors as well as the things that need improving. She is going forward with the goal that she needs to be more organized and she needs to learn how to ask for help from those caring individuals around her. In so many ways she reminds me of "What's his name". The big difference between the two, I think is that she has had early intervention in terms of how to communicate and how to let her attributes shine.

My G2 is learning about many different disorders in her health class. Her teacher is so invested in special needs kids and is really taking the time to show the class how these special kids can shine and how their lives are effected. He has also taken an amazing amount of time exploring the world of those with depression. He has had speakers - and these are peers who have either had depression or have been close to someone who has taken drastic measures (suicide attempts) because of untreated depressive illness. Having been diagnosed with clinical depression, I am grateful that the schools are taking at least some preliminary action to help at the earlier stages. These growing years can really make or break a person at risk.

"What's his name" has gotten a job. It is still temporary but very high paying and he seems to be really thrilled about the opportunity. Once again, I am hoping this could lead to better things for him. In turn, that would lead to better times for me and the gals.

All in all a really great week!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

And now he's back

It's funny how the more things change the more they stay the same.
I guess I am foolish to think that a few weeks of work will change "What's his name". I really did believe he was more motivated since he had the chance to get out there and work. I was on the phone with my G3 the other day and I asked where he was. She said that he was on the computer "He is fighting monsters so I know I shouldn't bother him". I really hate that the kids need to be that understanding. I mean I have my escapes also. I watch DVDs quite a bit.  The thing about that (and I am sticking to my guns on this one) they know that I am there if and when they need me. I tuck in my youngest every night. I attend every meeting and communicate with all the kids teachers. I keep on my oldest about her homework and I shuffle G2 and her friends whenever and wherever is needed. Above all that, they know that when they need to talk to me I am not only available, I want to be there.

It is a weird feeling (one I remember from our marriage) that he is always there but not really there.

I have noticed that many issues in life boil down to prioritizing. As I am growing in my job I have noticed that I realize success much sooner if I am aware of and adhere to the priority of certain tasks. Not all priorities are completely spelled out but as I learn to read the nuances of others I can fit things in properly so that no on is disappointed.

Another example, with the kids, if they know they are important, they seem to respond really well as we live our lives together. It is incredibly hurtful for a child to feel as though they are in the way. It's not to say that I do not make mistakes in that regard, I do. I also try to circle back when I find that I put their feelings or needs on the back burner. I wonder how they could feel the kind of value and confidence they need to have a happy life if their parents don't let them know they are valued and should have confidence.

Something to think about.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

With Renewed Energy, She blogs

My gosh! I am trying. I want to blog everyday again but I don't know how people come up with a subject to write about.

Yesterday, "What's his name" said he was sick. My baby (G3) said she thought he was faking. I don't think he was but as a full time Mom for so long I had decided that I didn't really have time to be sick. Now that he isn't working, he has time.

There are times when I ask the kids to let me rest but it really never turns out that way. I am glad about that. I don't want to miss important things. Even little important things. I want to be the one they know has been there for them no matter what.

I did leave early last Thursday. I have no idea what was wrong. My ears hurt and I felt puffy and icky. I had a little bit of a headache and was getting dizzy. I was really unable to focus so I finished what I needed to finish and went home. A shout out to the wonderful people I work with who just wanted me to feel better. There was no guilt or recrimination and I am very grateful.

Anyway, I went home and fell asleep on the couch (aka: "What's his Name's" bed). I have always considered myself to be a lucky mom. This day was proof. When G1 and G2 got home, I heard them chatting as they came in the door and they both stopped and said "Mom must be sick". My G2 put her stuff down and asked me if I needed anything. I was feeling like a big baby so I said "I don't knowww!" and she offered to go get me some ginger ale. It was just so considerate!

When my baby G3 came home she said "My Mommy is sick!" She knelt down next to me and kissed me on the forehead! Both the things my daughters did that day were learned from the things I have done for them. These are the things my mother would do when I was not well. It was a very warm feeling that really made a huge difference for my physical and emotional self. I really am a lucky mom.

Monday, March 15, 2010

I'm Baaaaaack!

Ok, once again it's been awhile. Quite honestly I have been curled up in an emotional ball feeling sorry for myself.     Sorry (ha ha).

A lot of new things have been happening. "What's his name" had gotten a temporary job for a while. He had a good amount of success with it and I think that has really helped. It ended on Friday but now it seems he is more determined to get out there and work. I am really grateful for that change. I really did believe that tasting a bit of success would be very helpful. We shall see what happens now that he is back at home again.

My baby (G3) has been struggling a bit in school. She really doesn't seem to be trying all that much. She is in the gifted and talented program but has not "living up to the standard". I have had to push a little harder than I am accustomed to. I know that in the long run it will do her a lot of good. I just wonder if it's worth it to push her toward such high goals. I don't know what's best. I don't want to push her to the point of giving up but I don't want her to sell herself short either.

G2 is busy as ever. She has now joined track. I couldn't believe how much I had to spend on shoes! I am very proud of all of her efforts. Basketball, marching band, now track. She really is motivated. She is still plagued by migraines though and we haven't found a truly effective solution. She has a medicine handy in case she feels one coming on so that will reduce the time she spends having pain certainly does not get rid of them.

I went to a seminar about special needs kids and their transition into college. During this class I ran into myriad of emotions. I cried, I laughed I was scared. I am not sure if I can really help my G1 get to the level of success she deserves. I learned that she really as a lot to learned. I also learned that she is aware of that need. This will really help in terms of not having to force that knowledge, I just don't know if I have the patience or the skill to get her ready to be on her own. We have discussed the idea of my teaching her how to maintain a home: cooking, laundry, house cleaning. I just get so frustrated with her desire to put things off. She is always "so tired"!

Also, just recently, I had one of the worst days of my life! It started out by discovering that my heat had been turned off. I was able to get it restored by qualifying for the cold weather protection program so that got settled. Then I spent a good half an hour talking to G3's teacher about what is going on with her and how (and this is my interpretation) I am not keeping track of her homework and how she is handling it. After work I had tons of running around with and for the kids. During my travels, I killed a bunny with my car! It was such an awful feeling. G3 was in the car with me and said a quick prayer so that if this poor bunny was badly hurt, he would die rather than suffer. Always wanting to make me feel better though, she told me this:

"I don't want to say anything bad about bunnies Mom, but if he was stupid enough to be sitting the middle of the road maybe he kind of deserved it".

My Mom. Oh my Mom. Her memory is sure not getting better. I didn't think it would. It's hard though. Each visit I realize more and more how debilitated she really is. I think I may have been in some form of denial not wanting to think it was as bad as it is. She has always been so strong and smart. Her logic, far exceeded mine as she was great at being an objective decision maker. Now, we have to make sure she is taking her pills ever day and remind to shower. She is like a whole different person. I kind of feel like I really don't have anyone to turn to, I mean really turn to anymore. I guess that's being an adult but so many people have partners in what they are doing.

At the end of the day, I wouldn't have it any other way. Well, except I would love to be able to afford the place we are living without "what's his name's" help.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I have no idea what to write about

Many things have been happening just nothing fun to write about.

"What's His Name" does have a job interview this week. That is probably the biggest news our house has seen since last June. I really hope he hears something of promise. He does need the boost. A move forward would be a boost for the rest of us for sure.

Work is going well. I learn new things pretty regularly and that is a huge benefit to the position I am in.

My mom still doesn't remember where I work or what I do. She has been in a great mood though every time I see her and I really couldn't ask for anything more.

I am taking an early shift at my third job this weekend (5 a.m.) so I can go to my boss' birthday party. I am lucky that option was available but grr I do not like getting up that early. Ooops. I should call my boss there to let him know.

take care

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Proposal

I don't know what to write about that's current so I thought I would go back a bit to a very romantic time:
When "What's His Name" proposed.

Every day after work we would meet up before I caught the bus to go home. I was living with my Mom at the time and he was living near downtown. One particular day I shared a concern that my was cycle was running late. His reply? "Well, ok, you wanna get married next week?" I said, "NO! are you out of your mind?" and then "Really, well, ok." Yep, from there I called the judge and scheduled the ceremony. We took a long lunch got married and went back to work. Good Times!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Again, It has been a really long time

It is a busy time of year for accountants. That is my only excuse. I have been working through lunch. We did have quite the holiday party on Friday. With events like that I never mind giving a lot to the org. The people in our office really do their best to "Give a little love". Complete with cab fare home to make sure people are safe.

So, the premier of 24 was on last night. I was clear with everyone that I wanted to WATCH it. G1 was on the internet and she rarely is interuptive unless she feels like talking - which is not often. G2 was at a sleepover - of course. But, G3...she did alright at first she sat next to me quietly. Occassionally she would put her head on my knee. The problem was when we went into the second hour:

"Mom, can I tell you a story"

Honey, I really want to see this

"Mom, does anybody know that Jack Bauer is an agent"
"Mom, which one is his granddaughter and is that the granddaughter's mom?"
"Ok I'll wait for a commercial - Mom, I'm hungry"

I am not complaining as it is great to be loved. She is a wonderfully affectionate gal and is still young enough that she will lean on me while we are on the couch. Soon she will think she's too old for that and I will miss it terribly.

The gals have today off for Martin Luther King Jr. day. I know that G1 was excited for that. She has been overwhelmed. This happens toward the end of a school term.

I don't know what I am going to do. G1 will be done with high school in a little over 2 years. Recently, she said she wanted to take a year off and then go to college. Honestly, I am afraid if that is what she does she will end up like I did. I didn't really accomplish anything post secondary-wise until I was in my thirties.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The fool on the hill

AKA: the fool sitting at the computer desk "What's His Name".

So, I got a note from G1's special ed teacher. Here is a snipet:

"She said she is having trouble concentrating at home. She wanted to know where she could work after 4:00. I told her at home. Our library is only open until 4:00. She said one reason she is having trouble concentrating is the computer. The other reason she said is that her dad has taken over her desk at home. I suggested she talk to him and share her feelings with him."

There were also comments about me. I am not sympathetic enough and don't give her enough attention but I find it easier to look at other people's wrongs first. So, I called him to talk about his stuff.

I told him I thought it would be helpful if he wasn't on the computer all the time. This may send a healthier message to G1 about getting things done first. His response: "Well, ok, sometimes I feel like I could just watch TV instead". I had no response to that.

Monday, January 11, 2010

An interersting take from the Aspberger's mind of my wonderful G1

Last night I sat down to chat with my eldest. She told me that one of her big pet peeves is when people say hi to her and get mad when she doesn't say hi back. It's really hard to know what to do with that mindset. I know that her brain works differently. I also know that when you don't answer people when they speak to you the perception is that you are kind of bitchy. She is not at all a mean spirited person. She just kind of drifts off into her own plain. I tried to explain that general society expects that we be cordial but she maintains it's her right to be quiet. I then told her that if she doesn't want to speak she could wave. I don't know what else to tell her. I get worried. Three years from now she will be completely on her own. Of course I will try to always be there to support her but odds are that she will be so much better off if she doesn't need me to tell her how to behave.

It was a super busy weekend. I worked on Saturday. I went to a wake for a friends mom and on the other side of town I went to G2's basketball tourney. They took 2nd place!

Friday, January 8, 2010

It's not so much that it's cold...

It's that it's so cold my eyelashes get frozen together! Holy Mackerel! It is exhausting just getting to work! The wind is blowing and it's 1 degree out there!

I am really looking forward to the weekend. G2 has basketball. I am working on Saturday. Oh yeah, and "What's his name's" folks are visiting. It's funny that this is the only time since he has moved in that he has really put an effort into cleaning up his area. It's not that he doesn't do any cleaning. He does some dishes. He cleaned the downstairs bathroom the other night when I asked him to. After that though, he let me know that some of the bleach from G1's hair coloring was still out. Anyway, the folks are coming. They are really nice people and I wish the gals would see more of them. They want to. It just don't think it's my place or my duty to make it happen. Plus, with no insurance on the car I really don't want to drive way up north. It would be too much of a risk.

Beyond that, there really isn't a whole lot new going on. I am going to visit my Mom tonight and I always enjoy that. She has been in really good moods lately so I am grateful.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

If I make a promise on a blog and no one reads it....

Do I have to keep it?

Erg. I have been trying to do all the right things, exercise, eat more fruits and vegetables spend quality time with my gals and keep up with my blog.

My gosh! I CAN'T do it all! How can that be!!! Ok, time to prioritize.

I was lucky enough to connect with a friend that I hung with in the 80s. I have heard from her in 10 years! That felt great.

ok, where was I? Oh yes, priorities.

I can't worry about that right now! I am an accountant at year end. I can't even remember to get a fork to eat with!!!!!!!

Monday, January 4, 2010

Happy New Year!

And it has started out really well. On New Year's Eve G2 went to a party (of course), G1, G3, "What's his name" and I played Yahtzee and and watched this really fabulous movie - "Up!". The next day G3 and I went to visit my Mom and we had a really wonderful time.

Trying to be true to my word, I spent a bit more quality time with the gals. G1 and I dyed her hair pink - just the right side of her bangs and it looks really fun. G3 and I baked and played games. It was really helpful that I didn't have to work at my third job. G2 and I seem to always find the time to connect. Usually this happens when I am giving her a ride somewhere but we really get a chance to talk and to me that is such a gift!

This is a very busy week at the paper. It is year end so there is lots and lots to do. I will post when I can.

Also, I found a set of DVD's that is Yoga for weight loss. I am going to check it out tonite. No promises but I want to give it a try.