Monday, March 29, 2010

I am grateful my children are healthy

I am also a little panicked that I won't be able to buy food for them. I am sure things will work out. I am not the kind of person who lets things just happen to her or her children. I have reached out for help and I do have faith that I will get help.

Other than that, I really slept a lot this weekend. I am not sure if the stress is making me tired or if the depression is starting to rear it's ugly head. During the week everything goes well. It is really helpful to get up and go to a job I love with people I respect.

My sister (the doctor) is in town. I wish I felt comfortable asking her for help but that really is not an option. I would have to go through a whole bunch of explaining why things got so bad and it really is embarrassing. Looking back, I should have been prepared for this. I knew "What's his name's" unemployment would run out and I also knew he wasn't prepared for that eventuality. I have to say that when I asked him about a plan he answered me very nicely without being defensive so I am also grateful for that.

To any friends that happen to read this, it is not a plea for money. I am really just expressing myself. I promise if it came down to it, I would be very direct.


Thursday, March 25, 2010

I really do not want to write about money

But I am so broke that is the only thing I am thinking about.

I just applied for energy assistance. My ex didn't get his unemployment so I am without funds. I had help from a really fabulous friend but I hate doing that. I also do not like being a failure for my kids to see.

That's all folks.

Friday, March 19, 2010

And the Band Played on....

Life just keeps going.

I had a meeting will G1's special education team yesterday. It was truly a wonderful experience. They are so dedicated to preparing her for the future. What a gift! We talked about both positive behaviors as well as the things that need improving. She is going forward with the goal that she needs to be more organized and she needs to learn how to ask for help from those caring individuals around her. In so many ways she reminds me of "What's his name". The big difference between the two, I think is that she has had early intervention in terms of how to communicate and how to let her attributes shine.

My G2 is learning about many different disorders in her health class. Her teacher is so invested in special needs kids and is really taking the time to show the class how these special kids can shine and how their lives are effected. He has also taken an amazing amount of time exploring the world of those with depression. He has had speakers - and these are peers who have either had depression or have been close to someone who has taken drastic measures (suicide attempts) because of untreated depressive illness. Having been diagnosed with clinical depression, I am grateful that the schools are taking at least some preliminary action to help at the earlier stages. These growing years can really make or break a person at risk.

"What's his name" has gotten a job. It is still temporary but very high paying and he seems to be really thrilled about the opportunity. Once again, I am hoping this could lead to better things for him. In turn, that would lead to better times for me and the gals.

All in all a really great week!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

And now he's back

It's funny how the more things change the more they stay the same.
I guess I am foolish to think that a few weeks of work will change "What's his name". I really did believe he was more motivated since he had the chance to get out there and work. I was on the phone with my G3 the other day and I asked where he was. She said that he was on the computer "He is fighting monsters so I know I shouldn't bother him". I really hate that the kids need to be that understanding. I mean I have my escapes also. I watch DVDs quite a bit.  The thing about that (and I am sticking to my guns on this one) they know that I am there if and when they need me. I tuck in my youngest every night. I attend every meeting and communicate with all the kids teachers. I keep on my oldest about her homework and I shuffle G2 and her friends whenever and wherever is needed. Above all that, they know that when they need to talk to me I am not only available, I want to be there.

It is a weird feeling (one I remember from our marriage) that he is always there but not really there.

I have noticed that many issues in life boil down to prioritizing. As I am growing in my job I have noticed that I realize success much sooner if I am aware of and adhere to the priority of certain tasks. Not all priorities are completely spelled out but as I learn to read the nuances of others I can fit things in properly so that no on is disappointed.

Another example, with the kids, if they know they are important, they seem to respond really well as we live our lives together. It is incredibly hurtful for a child to feel as though they are in the way. It's not to say that I do not make mistakes in that regard, I do. I also try to circle back when I find that I put their feelings or needs on the back burner. I wonder how they could feel the kind of value and confidence they need to have a happy life if their parents don't let them know they are valued and should have confidence.

Something to think about.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

With Renewed Energy, She blogs

My gosh! I am trying. I want to blog everyday again but I don't know how people come up with a subject to write about.

Yesterday, "What's his name" said he was sick. My baby (G3) said she thought he was faking. I don't think he was but as a full time Mom for so long I had decided that I didn't really have time to be sick. Now that he isn't working, he has time.

There are times when I ask the kids to let me rest but it really never turns out that way. I am glad about that. I don't want to miss important things. Even little important things. I want to be the one they know has been there for them no matter what.

I did leave early last Thursday. I have no idea what was wrong. My ears hurt and I felt puffy and icky. I had a little bit of a headache and was getting dizzy. I was really unable to focus so I finished what I needed to finish and went home. A shout out to the wonderful people I work with who just wanted me to feel better. There was no guilt or recrimination and I am very grateful.

Anyway, I went home and fell asleep on the couch (aka: "What's his Name's" bed). I have always considered myself to be a lucky mom. This day was proof. When G1 and G2 got home, I heard them chatting as they came in the door and they both stopped and said "Mom must be sick". My G2 put her stuff down and asked me if I needed anything. I was feeling like a big baby so I said "I don't knowww!" and she offered to go get me some ginger ale. It was just so considerate!

When my baby G3 came home she said "My Mommy is sick!" She knelt down next to me and kissed me on the forehead! Both the things my daughters did that day were learned from the things I have done for them. These are the things my mother would do when I was not well. It was a very warm feeling that really made a huge difference for my physical and emotional self. I really am a lucky mom.

Monday, March 15, 2010

I'm Baaaaaack!

Ok, once again it's been awhile. Quite honestly I have been curled up in an emotional ball feeling sorry for myself.     Sorry (ha ha).

A lot of new things have been happening. "What's his name" had gotten a temporary job for a while. He had a good amount of success with it and I think that has really helped. It ended on Friday but now it seems he is more determined to get out there and work. I am really grateful for that change. I really did believe that tasting a bit of success would be very helpful. We shall see what happens now that he is back at home again.

My baby (G3) has been struggling a bit in school. She really doesn't seem to be trying all that much. She is in the gifted and talented program but has not "living up to the standard". I have had to push a little harder than I am accustomed to. I know that in the long run it will do her a lot of good. I just wonder if it's worth it to push her toward such high goals. I don't know what's best. I don't want to push her to the point of giving up but I don't want her to sell herself short either.

G2 is busy as ever. She has now joined track. I couldn't believe how much I had to spend on shoes! I am very proud of all of her efforts. Basketball, marching band, now track. She really is motivated. She is still plagued by migraines though and we haven't found a truly effective solution. She has a medicine handy in case she feels one coming on so that will reduce the time she spends having pain certainly does not get rid of them.

I went to a seminar about special needs kids and their transition into college. During this class I ran into myriad of emotions. I cried, I laughed I was scared. I am not sure if I can really help my G1 get to the level of success she deserves. I learned that she really as a lot to learned. I also learned that she is aware of that need. This will really help in terms of not having to force that knowledge, I just don't know if I have the patience or the skill to get her ready to be on her own. We have discussed the idea of my teaching her how to maintain a home: cooking, laundry, house cleaning. I just get so frustrated with her desire to put things off. She is always "so tired"!

Also, just recently, I had one of the worst days of my life! It started out by discovering that my heat had been turned off. I was able to get it restored by qualifying for the cold weather protection program so that got settled. Then I spent a good half an hour talking to G3's teacher about what is going on with her and how (and this is my interpretation) I am not keeping track of her homework and how she is handling it. After work I had tons of running around with and for the kids. During my travels, I killed a bunny with my car! It was such an awful feeling. G3 was in the car with me and said a quick prayer so that if this poor bunny was badly hurt, he would die rather than suffer. Always wanting to make me feel better though, she told me this:

"I don't want to say anything bad about bunnies Mom, but if he was stupid enough to be sitting the middle of the road maybe he kind of deserved it".

My Mom. Oh my Mom. Her memory is sure not getting better. I didn't think it would. It's hard though. Each visit I realize more and more how debilitated she really is. I think I may have been in some form of denial not wanting to think it was as bad as it is. She has always been so strong and smart. Her logic, far exceeded mine as she was great at being an objective decision maker. Now, we have to make sure she is taking her pills ever day and remind to shower. She is like a whole different person. I kind of feel like I really don't have anyone to turn to, I mean really turn to anymore. I guess that's being an adult but so many people have partners in what they are doing.

At the end of the day, I wouldn't have it any other way. Well, except I would love to be able to afford the place we are living without "what's his name's" help.