Monday, August 22, 2011

A little regret, a little renewal

I got into a little bit of trouble for my last post. G2 saw a comment I made to a friend on FB regarding her Dad and was really offended. I don’t blame her. I was so wrong to put that in such a public space. That is the biggest reason I hadn’t blogged just after I vowed to be more dedicated. I was really ashamed. I never intended to hurt anyone, especially my kids, with my anger and resentment. I don’t even want to hurt “what’s his name”. It won’t help for me to put him down. Also, I tend to forget that everything that I going on is predicated on the fact that I invited him to move in. Granted it was only for the summer but I really knew better. I knew it wouldn’t be three months. I have been through this before.

Anyway, I have given a lot of thought lately about how this living situation is affecting my life. Scratch that: How I am ALLOWING this living situation to affect my life. I have let it take over the whole house. I have no control about what goes on even in my own kitchen. I don’t spend time downstairs because I don’t want to look at where he is sleeping (lower living room). Since that is the case, the kids come to me. That really isn’t right. I have let it depress me to the point that unless I have to go somewhere on the weekends I sleep much more than I really need to and I really don’t keep the place as clean as I could.

I honestly keep forgetting that it is up to me, what I do, how I feel, what goes on in my own house. Ultimately, I could ask him to move. I could tell him to move. I could also just accept things for how they are and get on with it.

I must say, I welcome comments, just be sure to comment on the blog, not on facebook. Granted, the blog is public but not nearly as public as FB is.

At this point I would love any feedback anyone has to offer. I am struggling with what is going on with me. I know my kids deserve a happy and active mom and I have admittedly lost my vim (and perhaps a little vigor as well).

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Who was that boring ghost writer?

Yesterday was a feeble attempt on my part to get back into blogging. I think sitting in my chair and trying to type on the LP is not the way to go. It seems to strip me of my bitterness and I can't have that when I am writing.

Ok, "What's his name":
Apparently, he is now thinking about looking into finding a place to live (maybe). He would like a car first. Of course he hasn't said anything to me - the G's keep me informed. It's funny how I just DO things. He somehow has these choices. I have said to him on three separate occassions that the thing that really gets to me is that even though I only offered him a place to stay for the summer, he is still in my house and not once has said to me "Hey, would you be ok with me staying until things get back on track" or at least something to that effect. Even after saying that (very directly as is my way) he still hasn't mentioned it. I don't get that kind of manipulative personality.

The other day (Sunday), knowing he gets paid every other Friday I asked him if he had gone to the bank (give me his rent / child support) he said "no but I will". It's funny that this kind of crap still stuns me, but it does. Anyway, I said "Do you really think I should have to ask?" "No, but I  just spaced it". he doesn't space the cable/internet bill but pay me? OOpps. grrr.

My gals react to him in their own way G1 is very accepting, G2 feels that you can't change anyone, only your reaction to them and G3 is getting better but she is the one determined to get him to see things her way. None of them seem hurt by his lack of attention or ability to parent (except G3 who is getting better), they accept him for who he is. He did take two of them swimming at a really cool lake. The funny thing is because he was going to take them on the bus I offered the car but he wouldn't except although he did "let" G2 drive them there (with my car??)

It's just...................

Monday, August 8, 2011

I know, I know.......

Hello everyone! So much has happened since I last hit this blog. I have a new job, it's summertime. G1, G2 & G3 are atill very active, and we still live with our three cats and "what's his name". I'm still missing my Mom but am very lucky to have my Auntie MJ in town. I don't visit as much as I should but she gives me strength with her wit and wisdom.

I am typing thia on a relatively new laptop (and it really is on my lap). My fingers are not at all used to the keyboard so I have to do a lot of backspaces and retyping.

I really want to rededicate myself to writing again. So much has happened it will take a while to get caught up. I left my beloved paper and have moved to a brand new industry. I am now an accounting analyst for this great audio visual company. The amazing thing about this change is that I still get to work with such diverse personalities. But I think I need to segue (sp) to a subject that has been on my mind.

Relationships. There are so many ways to define that word but it seems like with the dawn of facebook and dating sites it has a more pointed meaning. Click here for what my search found. Pretty simple stuff right? The thing is that the connotations are a lot deeper now. To take the word literally I could in all honesty say I am in a relationship with the clerk at the corner store. We interact, we see each other a lot, we chat. I could say I am in a relationship with all those idiots I see on ther freeway. We communicatre regularily, granted many times it's with a beep or hand gesture...I could say in all honesty I am in a relationship with thousands of people but I think that would make me look a little slutty.

I have noticed how our language has changed. It's hard not to correct the e-mails and texts with misspellings. Am I getting older or just more judgemental??

Tomorrow, i must rant! There is a lot of that to catch up on.