Sunday, June 30, 2013

I am sorry! Sorry, sorry sorry! I have been remiss in my duties to this blog and it's 5 readers. Here's the thing: I never understood the expression, "the more things change the more they stay the same" until recently. But first I need to update you on my fab 3 G's.

G1 is a full on star in college. She made the dean's list both semesters her first year in college. She handled all of the frustration of the big college machine on her own, got to school on time every day and consistently did her homework got help when she needed it and most of all got through it willing to continue in the fall.

G2 graduated from high school with honors and the absolute and unwavering respect of her Mom.  Star again. She stayed with marching band for five years, two as a section leader. She still works two jobs and finds time for a healthy social life. She has decided to move away for college which does leave me singing very sad renditions of "Cat's in the Cradle" and "Wild World" every so often. I am selfishly sad to see her go but so proud and very supportive of her doing what she knows to be right for her. I have every confidence that she will do well in life.

G3 is going into the 7th grade this fall. This past fall she got accepted into a performing arts center - with scholarship. They teach her: Tap, Jazz, Ballet,Voice and Acting. It made a wonderful difference for her and thinks of her fellow students as her peeps. She says she feels more comfortable there then she has anywhere. Being comfortable in middle school is no easy task. I think her class is a bit tough and add to that her sensitive nature, her studies have suffered some but I know she will bounce back and show her true ability. She is at a science camp at a local private university. What a huge gift! (for her) :)

As far as things staying the same, "what's his name" still lives with us. He really took that "till death do us part" thing to heart but honestly, I don't think this was the intention of that particular vow. He is working but sometimes payments are short. I am about at my limit but don't really know what to do. I can't afford this place, this life without child support.

As far as my life, well, I tend to bring complications to myself. I recently contacted an old friend someone I was involved with BWHN (before "what's his name"). For the sake of keeping up with the name convention, I will call him "Cool Guy Who Knows How to Fix Stuff".

In all honesty, I didn't think my letter would get such a positive response. I expected either nothing or a "what the hell were you thinking". It has been over 20 years so I am certain he was surprised. It was a spontaneous, well thought out plan. Truth is, I had wanted to reach out for years but there was, marriage, kids, the boyfriend, "insert name here" and so many other things that the timing didn't seem right. Why now? Well, I have been single for nearly 13 years and really miss feeling connected to someone outside home. That's my story and I am sticking to it. Ok, there's more but just don't have the words yet.

Amazing! We did a lot of catching up. I tried summarizing my exploits with "What's His Name" (who "really cool guy" knew). I have told him all about my G's and my career. He is very good listener. He seems genuinely happy to have reconnected. It seems like we never stopped knowing each other. My heart speeds up when he calls and I haven't felt like that for a long time. In fact I have avoided it. It is so hard to feel connected but not get too attached. The memories I have of him are so precious that it is indeed nice to hear from him but then the insecurity sets in. If I were to see him again I couldn't stand to see disappointment in his eyes. 20 or so years and three kids really changes a gal. To quote Bette Davis in "All About Eve": "Bill's thirty-two. He looks thirty-two. He looked it five years ago, he'll look it twenty years from now. I hate men". Just to be clear, I don't hate men but somewhat envy that some seem to not age.

I posted these final words on Facebook a little while ago:

In the category of it ain't easy bein' Maggie:
Woke up this morning, burned my thumb nail lighting a candle so I could relax before I started my day.
Then, to energize myself for said day, I got a cup of coffee. Down toward the bottom, unbeknownst to me, I received a mouthful of grounds. On to the second cup knowing it would be better, (because I strained the rest through a filter) I didn't realize I hadn't rinsed the cup.
So on I trot with a burnt thumb nail and two mouthfuls of coffee grounds. Yep, it ain't easy.

Monday, August 22, 2011

A little regret, a little renewal

I got into a little bit of trouble for my last post. G2 saw a comment I made to a friend on FB regarding her Dad and was really offended. I don’t blame her. I was so wrong to put that in such a public space. That is the biggest reason I hadn’t blogged just after I vowed to be more dedicated. I was really ashamed. I never intended to hurt anyone, especially my kids, with my anger and resentment. I don’t even want to hurt “what’s his name”. It won’t help for me to put him down. Also, I tend to forget that everything that I going on is predicated on the fact that I invited him to move in. Granted it was only for the summer but I really knew better. I knew it wouldn’t be three months. I have been through this before.

Anyway, I have given a lot of thought lately about how this living situation is affecting my life. Scratch that: How I am ALLOWING this living situation to affect my life. I have let it take over the whole house. I have no control about what goes on even in my own kitchen. I don’t spend time downstairs because I don’t want to look at where he is sleeping (lower living room). Since that is the case, the kids come to me. That really isn’t right. I have let it depress me to the point that unless I have to go somewhere on the weekends I sleep much more than I really need to and I really don’t keep the place as clean as I could.

I honestly keep forgetting that it is up to me, what I do, how I feel, what goes on in my own house. Ultimately, I could ask him to move. I could tell him to move. I could also just accept things for how they are and get on with it.

I must say, I welcome comments, just be sure to comment on the blog, not on facebook. Granted, the blog is public but not nearly as public as FB is.

At this point I would love any feedback anyone has to offer. I am struggling with what is going on with me. I know my kids deserve a happy and active mom and I have admittedly lost my vim (and perhaps a little vigor as well).

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Who was that boring ghost writer?

Yesterday was a feeble attempt on my part to get back into blogging. I think sitting in my chair and trying to type on the LP is not the way to go. It seems to strip me of my bitterness and I can't have that when I am writing.

Ok, "What's his name":
Apparently, he is now thinking about looking into finding a place to live (maybe). He would like a car first. Of course he hasn't said anything to me - the G's keep me informed. It's funny how I just DO things. He somehow has these choices. I have said to him on three separate occassions that the thing that really gets to me is that even though I only offered him a place to stay for the summer, he is still in my house and not once has said to me "Hey, would you be ok with me staying until things get back on track" or at least something to that effect. Even after saying that (very directly as is my way) he still hasn't mentioned it. I don't get that kind of manipulative personality.

The other day (Sunday), knowing he gets paid every other Friday I asked him if he had gone to the bank (give me his rent / child support) he said "no but I will". It's funny that this kind of crap still stuns me, but it does. Anyway, I said "Do you really think I should have to ask?" "No, but I  just spaced it". he doesn't space the cable/internet bill but pay me? OOpps. grrr.

My gals react to him in their own way G1 is very accepting, G2 feels that you can't change anyone, only your reaction to them and G3 is getting better but she is the one determined to get him to see things her way. None of them seem hurt by his lack of attention or ability to parent (except G3 who is getting better), they accept him for who he is. He did take two of them swimming at a really cool lake. The funny thing is because he was going to take them on the bus I offered the car but he wouldn't except although he did "let" G2 drive them there (with my car??)

It's just...................

Monday, August 8, 2011

I know, I know.......

Hello everyone! So much has happened since I last hit this blog. I have a new job, it's summertime. G1, G2 & G3 are atill very active, and we still live with our three cats and "what's his name". I'm still missing my Mom but am very lucky to have my Auntie MJ in town. I don't visit as much as I should but she gives me strength with her wit and wisdom.

I am typing thia on a relatively new laptop (and it really is on my lap). My fingers are not at all used to the keyboard so I have to do a lot of backspaces and retyping.

I really want to rededicate myself to writing again. So much has happened it will take a while to get caught up. I left my beloved paper and have moved to a brand new industry. I am now an accounting analyst for this great audio visual company. The amazing thing about this change is that I still get to work with such diverse personalities. But I think I need to segue (sp) to a subject that has been on my mind.

Relationships. There are so many ways to define that word but it seems like with the dawn of facebook and dating sites it has a more pointed meaning. Click here for what my search found. Pretty simple stuff right? The thing is that the connotations are a lot deeper now. To take the word literally I could in all honesty say I am in a relationship with the clerk at the corner store. We interact, we see each other a lot, we chat. I could say I am in a relationship with all those idiots I see on ther freeway. We communicatre regularily, granted many times it's with a beep or hand gesture...I could say in all honesty I am in a relationship with thousands of people but I think that would make me look a little slutty.

I have noticed how our language has changed. It's hard not to correct the e-mails and texts with misspellings. Am I getting older or just more judgemental??

Tomorrow, i must rant! There is a lot of that to catch up on.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

A Quick update

Recently, I have discovered that I may have high blood pressure. I go to the doctor's on Friday to see about treatment. Without knowing what will happen my mind goes in many directions. I have begun to mourn may a thing: My youth, good health without effort, coffee, cigarettes, excess stress. But of course change may be good.

I have learned to use it to my advantage with my gals. When G3 gets cranky about getting up in the morning - hey don't do that - Mommy doesn't need the stress - High Blood Pressure. Chores are getting done, very little arguing amongst my Gs.

I know that my life will need to change. The funny thing is, if I do things right all the changing will be for the better. If I quit smoking, I will breathe better. If I exercise, I will sleep better. I may even lose some weight. Change is very intimidating for an old gal like me though. Change means having to admit to the error of my ways. Nobody wants to do that.

I am lucky in that I know my three gals will be supportive.

News with G1 - she is starting a yoga class. Lucky for us they are offering it at her school. WTG G1's high school.

News with G2 - She is planning next year's school schedule - this will include some PSOE. Funny story - I went to search this acronym on Google and they told me the definition was "Spanish Socialist Workers' Party (Spanish: Partido Socialista Obrero EspaƱo)" However, that was not what I meant at all. This is a program where student's in Junior and Senior year can take college courses and it's free!

News with G3 - Short hair! And not without a fight. Also, it is creativity fair time. She is trying to think of a project she can display at the creativity fair. It doesn't seem difficult but it needs to be lined up with her Achieve class long term project - Aliens. If anyone has any suggestions - I am all for it! 

Thursday, February 24, 2011

When the needed becomes the needy

Oh yes. Once again it has been a long, long time. My life has changed so dramatically since I last blogged. Now, don't get me wrong, "What's his name" still lives in my second living room so, at least I got that going for me. He has finally gotten a permanent job offer and that is terrific news. I am now taking bets on how long it takes for him to move. He is talking about it but.....

I do want him to move however, my fear is that once he out there again, finances get more challenging and the child support is not the thing that will come first.

So, why the long absence? It has been about 10 months. To be honest, I don't know why I quit blogging other than life got very busy (even by a single Mom's standards). After things simmered down, I fell into a depression hole so deep I am just now starting to drag myself away from.

These first three paragraphs are really just me avoiding putting the words in writing as to why I got so sad. I might as well just say that my mother passed away in December. On the surface, not such a terrible way to lose someone. She was 85. She was content about the life she had built. "I had exactly the life I wanted", is what she told me. I believe that she just fell asleep. The wake and funeral were a tribute to her and the family that she raised. All good. I just can't seem to get past losing the one person who loved me without hesitation. I know the kids love me but they don't know me like my mom did. She saw all the growing pains and all the failures I would never share with my babies - most of it was before they were born. (of course not all but...)

It was nice to give a little back to my Mom. Our visits were finally about her and her well-being. After all the years and times she took care of me, I was grateful I could be of some help. Amazingly, as much as I knew she wasn't going to stay around forever, I can't believe she died. It doesn't make sense, I know that but I am still struggling with the reality of it all.

When the kids do something fun or cool or even irritating, I want to tell her about it. Oh yes, and I would like her to respond to so don't tell me to go ahead and tell her....I have tried. Her reaction (because of how crazy she was about the gals) was the biggest thing for me. So much love.

Not much of an entry but it's a start. All part of a much bigger plan to feel better and be better. Stick with me it should be quite a ride!

Friday, April 30, 2010

Tonite I see "What's his name"'s parents

My baby G2 is in a Pops concert tonight with the concert band. My ex in-laws are coming down to see it. I think that is so cool. They have been really good to me - especially since the divorce. They really didn't choose sides or get overly involved.

This weekend I work on Saturday but before that, I need to drive G2 to a track meet. I honestly don't know how she does all that she does - I am just glad she does...

And yes, "What's his name" still has not gotten paid. Funny, it seems to bother me more than it does him. Of course he is able to borrow money from his children...................