Friday, October 30, 2009

Ok, I don't get "crushes" ever any more

But, a while back, I met somebody that works in my building. I have never seen a more genuine smile. He's intelligent and above all very calm. I have learned a couple things since I started thinking he was cool.

1. Don't carry and or eat a snickers bar if you might run into your crush in the elevator. It just doesn't look good. (in my defense, my sugar level was terribly out of balance and I felt like I was going to pass out).
2. Be careful what T-shirt you borrow from your marketing department after you spill coffee on the clean white shirt you wore even though you should know better. (I wasn't thinking. The shirt said LIKEME.NET - It just looks sooooo needy!)

With all the kid stuff going on, dating really isn't a primary focus but I have found myself daydreaming. Somebody to see movies with. Someone over 15 to actually talk to! Somebody to see the occasional cool band with. Someone to listen to after a day's work.

It's been very long time since I have even been interested in someone romantically. I have three jobs. I have kids to tend to. I have to sleep! Now, there is my fascination with Jack Bauer but that's just my imagination. It's safe and there is no risk. To actually try to pursue anything that personal terrifies me. My whole perspective has changed in regard to dating. I used to romanticize everything about relationships. Now I find myself being morbidly realistic. Do they have a job? Do they look at the bright side (or do they even have a bright side) are they able to balance a check book (thank you "insert name here") and above all are they independent enough to not be first in my life?

I still think about the perfect first date. A nice dinner, dessert near a lake shore, maybe spend time at a local club all of which gives us a chance to chat and get to know one another. Then of course there is the inevitable first kiss. After that if all is going well, I could introduce him to my kids and oh yeah


How on earth could I explain that one??????

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The best things in life are free

But you can give to the birds and bees. I want Money.

Ok, I don't really feel that way. I am just so budgetfrustrated right now.

What I would really love is to find something I enjoy doing that I could make a bit extra with. I have tons of ideas. I have a home business but that is selling and I don't think I am pushy enough. Plus, in order to make the real bucks you have to recruit. Not my thing at all.

It's amazing, I restructure my budget every week to make sure I get through until the next payday but something always comes up. Food for the kids, the house payment all of those irritating little expense...the list is endless.

I know I am not the only one that is suffering. "What's his name" hasn't had a full time job for 19 months (and counting) so I guess it could be worse.

I have been doing some little things to cut costs. I have been taking leftovers to work (Today it's Beef Stew!). I have been shutting off the heat when the house is plenty warm and I turn off lights when I leave the room. Of course these little items will not help me with the car payment that's due but one thing at a time.

The kids are great as far as being understanding about money things. I really do wish I could give them more. I think that this may help them in the long run though. Sometimes when you grow up without money worries you don't learn to be responsible about budgeting and planning. I try to impart some knowledge in that area to them with real world examples like letting them know prices of certain items and how my salary relates to the time I spend at work. I just don't want to burden them with things that are mine to deal with.

oops! Speaking of money, I need to get back to work. It's a reporting day.

Happy Wednesday!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

What have I done for me lately?

Well, I made a declaration in my blog that I would do something every day to improve my life. Ummm. I try, I really do but lately I have just been reacting. I can say that last night I did a few good things.

I went to dinner with a very good friend I haven't seen in a long, long time. She is someone I have known since high school and was visiting town so we went to dinner. Good for me!
I picked up my middle daughter (G2) from BBall practice. Good for us, as we had a chance to chat. We really have fun with the chats.
I helped my youngest (G3) with big a 3rd grade project, and did not yell at "what's his name" when he sat by (slaying dragons) and watched her struggle. That last part was good for all of us because the fighting does not help it just makes everyone sad and tense.
My oldest has been struggling with homework as high school is a high volume homework situation. I used to try to be very gentle and encouraging with her as she does have an ASD. I have decided recently that I am going to have put the hammer down a bit. My tone is a bit more stern and I am a lot more straight forward. I am proud to say that her response is very positive. She will be trying to get into post secondary schooling in a couple of years and she has a wonderful mind. I don't want her missing out!

Well, it ain't slaying dragons but at least I helped a few real people!

Woo hooo!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Where did my blog title come from?

Way back when I first was a single Mom of three my life was unbelievably busy. I had a seven year old a five year old and a newborn. I was also working full time and trying to finish my degree. In addition, I had "What's his name" to cope with and (insert name here) I was trying to maintain a friendship with. Talk about being pulled in all directions!

I got into the habit of telling fun stories about my kids to pretty much anyone who would listen. Many told me I should write a book. At the time I took it as a compliment. I wonder now if they just wanted me to stop telling them these cute little stories. ????

I got as far as a few chapters.

Here is part of chapter one:

Multitasking: Microsoft may have coined that phrase but mother's have been doing it for centuries. I never realized how much I could accomplish all at once until I became a single mother of three. Not to toot my own horn as I know I am not the only one, I am just proud of my ability to juggle so much. When I was in college I couldn't get anything done and all I did was go to school (ok, and the occasional club).

Anyway, one of my crowning moments in motherhood was a day I had decided to make a roast for dinner (on a school night). G1 was having trouble with math homework so I was helping her. G2 was reading to me from a school assignment. I was nursing G3 when the timer went off on my oven. I was able to continue everything while getting dinner on the table!!!! Woo hoo. Good times.

Later that same week I got a visit from (insert name here). I hadn't seen him in a while so I was glad he was there. Here is how that evening went:

Oh Hey (insert name here) I am so glad you stopped by."
A2: "Mom A1 just kicked me!"
A1: "Only because A2 won't shut off the light"
A2: "I am trying to read!!!!!"
A3: "Waaaaaaaaaaaa!

(Insert name here) just read the newspaper.

Me, I was on the couch, with a cat sitting on my head.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

It's been a few days

Wow! What a busy weekend! Kids stuff mostly. Girl Scouts for 1 & 3 and band stuff for 2.

I am really proud to say that I have change my mountain of laundry into a small hill that can be easily walked around in our laundry hallway. It's amazing what can be accomplished when you put your mind to it, oh and give up a Saturday night and Sunday afternoon.

Now that I am writing this blog, I get blocked. I remember back when the kids were little and I had come up with a title for the book I wasgunna write. I had the funniest stuff going on! Now, I can't think of anything to write about.

Also, it's 6:13 and I have no idea what to make for dinner. I just went grocery shopping but I don't feel like making anything that I bought. Tacos? Spaghetti? Chicken Chatchatori? (okay I don't know how to spell it but I do know how to make it). The choices!!! To many, cannot decide......If I wasn't exhausted I was have stress! Thank God for exhaustion!

At least I get to go to work tomorrow. Did I just say that!?!?!?! Either I am getting old or I need to get out more!!!! Speaking of getting old. Does it make you old if you jam to Copacabana? I caught my self "Rockin' out " to Barry Manilow. Maybe I was just caught up in the moment but I remember a time when I wouldn't be caught dead listening to him let alone enjoying it!

I think I write better when I am at my desk at work. Hmmmm

Let's see, tomorrow: How I came up with my blog title, 1,000 people need my attention and there's a cat sitting on my head.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Same Day, Different Post

I have realized that my focus has been really bad lately. I am going to need to push myself to pay better attention, especially at work. I can be much more accurate than I have been. It does not have to be such a struggle.

It may be a really great opportunity to leave the home stuff at home. It I do this correctly, I will be able to leave work at work and home at home. What a concept.

I really do love my job. I especially feel fortunate that I work with a group of people that I respect. I do get really worried that with the job market the way it is I could end up losing this job that I love.

I can be more accurate
I can be more accurate
I can be more accurate
I can be more accurate
I can be more accurate
I can be more accurate
I can be more accurate

Oops. That is not the secret:

I am very accurate
I am very accurate
I am very accurate
I am very accurate
I am very accurate
I am very accurate
I am very accurate
I am very accurate
I am very accurate
I am very accurate
I am very accurate

That's better.

Just a quick one

I need to give snaps when they are due. "What's his name" seems to have stepped up his presence with the kids. He went with us to an event for G1 and was up and ready to help G3 get to the school bus. I think that is a really great start in the right direction.

Work is so weirdly busy I have to get back to it.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

What can you do when a person does not want to feel better?

Well, "What's his name" and I had an argument last night about his computer use. It was bound to happen. The kids have been frustrated and I think feel alienated when he is showing that they are not a priority. He was going to help G3 with her homework. She was supposed to read to a parent and I thought it was really cool that he would be the one to listen this time. She started to read and he was "slaying a dragon" so he asked her to wait. I got quite angry because it was getting close to her bedtime. Again, it's more about showing that they are a priority than anything else. Anyway, I sat down to listen to her read so she could get her assignment done. After that, he sat down also. Finally I just said I was concerned about the message he was sending the kids. I think I also said something like "do you have any idea how much time you spend on this thing!?!?!" He responded with "I KNOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH TIME I SPEND ON THE COMPUTER!" The conversation sort disintegrated from there. I did tell him that it was bothering the kids and he said that they never mentioned it.....

The hard part is that if he moves, which would be emotionally ideal, I would not be able to make it financially as I don't think he would pay child support if he was out on his own.

There are moments lately that I really feel like I am reliving my marriage. I guess I could handle that but I do not want the kids to go through it again.

I don't think I am doing too well on my blog mission. I was going to do something every day to make my life better. I guess writing this out is helpful but I was hoping to make more progress.

Well, back to the secret:

I am so glad "What's his name" is no longer sleeping in my living room.
I am so glad "What's his name" is no longer sleeping in my living room.
I am so glad "What's his name" is no longer sleeping in my living room.
I am so glad "What's his name" is no longer sleeping in my living room.
I am so glad "What's his name" is no longer sleeping in my living room.
I am so glad "What's his name" is no longer sleeping in my living room.
I am so glad "What's his name" is no longer sleeping in my living room.
I am so glad "What's his name" is no longer sleeping in my living room.
I am so glad "What's his name" is no longer sleeping in my living room.


I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid
I am very grateful all of my bills are paid

Let's see if that helps.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

my darling G1

I had a really great interaction with my oldest (G1) last night.

I hadn't mentioned it so far but my oldest daughter has Asperberger's Syndrome. Here is a basic wiki definition

What that means to A1 and the rest of our family is that she doesn't interact and react like the rest of us do. Sometimes it is challenging and usually is fabulous. She has a tendency to see things a bit differently and, since she is so capable of sharing her thoughts, I usually end up learning something. I am a lucky Mom!

Last night, A1 (who is an honor student) was having a terrible amount of stress because she got behind on her homework. In these situations, when the rest of us may just hunker down and get done what we can, A1 panics. She ends up doing something that really doesn't help the situation, like surf the net or brush her hair.

I am not a "do this, do that" kind of parent. I practice what I like to call suggestive parenting. My kids seem to really respond to it. This way, I can guide them in their decisions rather than dictate them and when they go out into the world they will be accustomed to accepting their choices and hopefully making good ones. So far so good!

Back to the point. My poor A1 was really freaking out about all the homework she had to do. She was also getting into saying that maybe it was just too much for her. I had never really been this pushy with her but I ended up taking her through her day since she had gotten home. I pointed out how much time she had net surfed and how much time she spent talking about how much she had to do when in fact, she could have been using that time to get some things done. She really is quite amazing because not only did she take my suggestions but she also really stood firm and asserted herself with me. It was like talking to a very confident young adult. We came to the conclusion that making lists each day would be a very helpful method of organization for two reasons:

1. It will keep her tasks straight
2. It will show her that her tasks are not insurmountable

I worry about my A1 probably more than the other two. She seems to need more step-by-step instructions to get through many circumstances but, last night was reassuring.

Wow I love an evening of successful parenting!

Monday, October 19, 2009

And the hits just keep on comin'

So, the last I wrote my middle gal (G2) was trying to convince "What's his name" not to spend money on parts to fix their computer. Not sure if he ignores what he doesn't want to hear or if he just didn't understand. Now we have two working computers.

I am thinking back to my days of therapy. My favorite session was when my counselor said "now let's take a look at your responsibility in this situation". At first I was angry because I felt as if I was the only one taking any responsibility. Then after a few deep breathes and a minute or two of ranting, I realized that there is some freedom to that statement. I could choose what would take place. I can't control "What's his name" 's actions but I can make choices about how I respond to them. So, what the hell am I going to do? I don't know but there are many other improvements I can make at home and I will start that this evening.

First, the gals and I need a calendar of events. G1 & G3 have girl scouts starting, G2 has basketball. I am involved with a committee or two that will be starting soon. The evenings are soooo busy that it is hard to keep up. Keeping organized will be one way for me to keep my sanity - relatively speaking.

Also, I do need to approach "What's his name" in regard to some of his behaviors. I don't really believe he wants to hurt anyone, especially his daughters. He just seems so mired down in depression that he isn't able to take care of himself let alone think about others. I know I cannot fix him. I just need to be straight with how I am feeling and with what I am hearing from the girls.

This weekend I actually went out. I don't do that very often at all so it was a terrific opportunity to blow off some steam and see a really cool 60s & 70s type band. Good times. It was a friend's birthday and it was great to celebrate with her. I am so grateful that I can trust me children at home alone. G2 had a bunch of friends over and they were a nice group. They played Rock Band and watched some movies. Nothing was broken and there were no complaints from G3 which means all were very well behaved. I was exhausted though. Because I wanted the night off I switched shifts at my second (or is it 3rd) job. I was at work at 5:30 (ok 5:40) in the morning on Saturday and did not get home until after 2. When I get too old for that?? I remember a time when it would even phase me to loose sleep.

Ok, now I am
reminiscing. Time to move back into this century.....

"See" you tomorrow.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Sometimes, it is sad to see how smart my children have to be but I am really proud of them

I had a very intense conversation with G2 regarding "What's his name" last night. She has been wanting to go to a local amusement park to see "What's his name" 's show. He had said that he would get them tickets. Now he is saying he can't afford it because he wants to buy parts for their computer. A2 is saying, and I agree that we don't need a second computer. "What's his name" has said that he wants to be able to use his computer. A2 has countered with the fact that they are at school all day so he has plenty of time.

He has also taken to stealing soda from the kids and hoarding his own. I really cannot imagine being that desperate.

G2 and I had a very long talk about her taking on too much responsibility in regard to "What's his name". I am worried about how much she worries and tries to be his caretaker. I did tell her that protecting her and her sisters (G1 & G3) was my job and I am happy to do it.

Here is what she told me. "I know that you take care of us. I feel the need to get involved though. I am afraid that one day, when he is older and coming to the end of his life he will have nothing and that would break my heart." Deep for 14 isn't she?

Thursday, October 15, 2009

WOW! What a day! I just sat down to eat lunch no time to blog. I did promise myself that I would write something every work day so here goes.

Last night I called a friend I have not seen in about 25 years. That was the fabulous thing I did for myself last night. It was great to talk to her.

Tonite we have a big event for my company. It's my favorite all year so I cannot wait!!!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Day one - DO something to be more positive

Have you ever had one of those days when everything goes right? Me either! So far today is nothing but putting out fires. Work is really terrific though since I am able to deal with this stuff as it comes up - Yay mommy!

Anyway, last night I did a couple of things that felt really good. I called my Mom and that is always a wonderful thing. She is at the point where she doesn't necessarily remember that I called but we always have wonderful reaffirming chats. She is getting older but not less fabulous.

I also called my sister. This time it was just to see how she is. Not about Mom, not about my struggles. I just called to say "I know you are busy so I was just checking in".

I have also been working on affirmations. This is something I learned from another fabulous sister. Apparently, this is the secret that Oprah spoke so highly of a while back. If you live as if you have achieved your goals, you will achieve them. My thing right now is that I tell myself that it is wonderful to have all my bills paid.

Oh I just remembered a really important affirmation: I am so glad that "What's his name" no longer sleeps in my living room!
I am so glad that "What's his name" no longer sleeps in my living room!
I am so glad that "What's his name" no longer sleeps in my living room!
I am so glad that "What's his name" no longer sleeps in my living room!
I am so glad that "What's his name" no longer sleeps in my living room!

That's it!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Eight and half years on my own and now

I have these three fabulous children. Each of them, their own person with wonderful unique talents and gifts. Honestly, I don't know how it happened. Suddenly, I have two in High School. They are both on the honor roll consistently. My youngest is in the gifted and talented program at her grade school. They really are the best thing that ever happened to a mom.

Of course there is one little glitch: "What's his name". He has been unemployed for over a year and a half. about six months ago, he needed to find a place to live. Since I knew that without help he wouldn't be able to make his regular child support payments I decided to let him live with us. Let me repeat the important part: I decided. I need to keep reminding myself that every time I wonder how did this happen. My offer was for him to stay the summer. October is half over and he has no job leads and it doesn't seem like any desire to get full time work.

Today, I decided that I will take this blog to a productive new level. I have been reliving the past lately. I have had the same conversations (arguments) with "What's his name" that I had nine, ten and even eleven years ago. I cannot change him but I can change my take on this whole situation. From now on, each day I am going to do something to move my attitude into a new positive direction. Sometimes it may just be this blog reminding me of the good and fun things my kids do. My goal though is to actively do something each day that will better my life.

I will keep you all posted and let's see what happens!

Monday, October 12, 2009

G3 - My final family blessing. How did this happen!!!

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. Case in point, my youngest daughter. It began after my divorce was final. "What's his name" was living with his brother and would visit the kids on the weekends. I have never wanted to keep my kids from having a relationship with their Dad. In order to do this, I have had to be somewhat giving. Even recently, since he hasn't had a car, I would bring them over on the weekends so they would have their time with him. Sometimes that would also mean that on the occasional Saturday or Sunday I would pick G2 up and bring her to basketball games or G1 and G3 to various other activities. I believe that I don't have a right to stand in the way of them loving their Dad.

Anyway, in the beginning I would let him stay at the house for his visits. Since I was seeing (insert name here) it actually worked out really well. I got some time off, which was really helpful. The beginning of dating (insert name here) was really great. He was independent, capable and very caring. Of course though, I didn't really trust me or others and this led to doubting anything could last and I was not about to get dumped again.

To be honest, I was not really in a place to have a stable love relationship and I got in too deep way to fast. The second I got insecure and since "What's his name" was there, I turned to him. I also do not lie so I had to tell (insert name here). "What's his name" and I wanted to give our marriage another try and (insert name here) was very supportive. He said that the kids deserved to have both parents if that was at all possible.

It didn't take very long though to see that it really wasn't going to work. I didn't trust "What's his name" and his "sweet" gestures were really nothing but painful. Here is an example: One week I asked him if he had his portion of the daycare money (not a small amount as there were two kids we were paying for). He didn't and couldn't give me a reason until I pushed really hard. He told me that he had gotten me a Christmas present - A tennis bracelet. I told him I didn't play tennis. I felt really trapped because it was a very kind gesture but if I was going to have to pay the daycare it really wasn't a gift at all. I realized I needed to either be on my own or with someone who was realistic. Once I made the decision that I couldn't rebuild this marriage there was a great deal of relief. I told "What's his name" and he was very angry. I remember thinking it was pretty amazing how he made the same arguments I did when he first told me he wanted to leave.

After all was said and done and we both knew he needed to go, I found out I was pregnant. Honestly, I was terrified. I wasn't staying in the marriage and I had no idea how I was going to care for not two but three children! The amazing thing is, G3 was the one that completed our family circle. The gals and I started working as a team. We each were MVPs in our own way and I finally felt somewhat complete.

Next time:

What does any of this have to do with anything????

Friday, October 9, 2009

Dating when your ex won't leave

Oh, I tried. I met one really nice man on, of all things AOL.....

There were times when it was awkward. Like the time that my oldest daughter (A1) asked me in front of "What's his name" "So, did you sleep with (insert name here) last night?"
I almost choked! But said What?!?!?! She said "Well, did you have a sleepover last night?".

These moments and other massive amounts of changes took place over about a 4 week period of time. I really enjoyed dating (insert name here). He was very self-sufficient He even balanced his own checkbook !!! I nearly cried.

But then, I got very insecure. I didn't think I was getting enough attention from (insert name here).

I am writing during lunch so I have no more time today.

Next, how my insecurity led to my 3rd and final family blessing A3.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

so, now I am single

My initial reaction to "What's his name" wanting a divorce was to fight for my marriage. However. as I watched him get deeper and deeper into a "virtual" life I realized that there was nothing there worth fighting for so, I made a vow to focus on the kids. Also, an interesting piece of all of this is that even though "What's his name" wanted the divorce, he never filed. I waited a month. Then two. Finally, I wanted him out. I knew I couldn't get on with my new life without something solid in place.

I found a wonderful lawyer. She was able to be very objective. She encouraged me to keep the kids' happiness a priority. She taught me that a 1,500 401k was not worth fighting for. She taught me that the arguments we were having were un-winnable for either of us and above all she got the job done.

I remember the night he got served with divorce papers. I was there because he would not move out of the house. I thought that it was so strange that he was angry. he yelled and of course told his "girlfriend" all about it. Finally I just said "At least you could say thank you. After all this is what you wanted".

Here is one of my all time favorite arguments about the terms of the divorce:

"What's his name": "Well, how come you get the house?"
Me: "Because the kids are living here and I will not move them"
"What's his name": "Well, ok but how come you get the car?"
Me: "Oh "What's his name" because you don't have a valid driver's license"
"What's his name": "I'm gonna get one soon"
Me: "Ok, can you make the car payment?"
"What's his name" "No"
Me: "Ok, so, what are we arguing about?"

Then there was the time he said I wasn't a good wife because I didn't teach him how to balance a checkbook. Umm, we met when he was 26....I guess I didn't know it was necessary.

And on and on.

What happened next?

How do you date when you are in the middle of a divorce and your soon-to-be ex "What's his name" will not leave.

That's tomorrow folks. Stay tuned.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Other "Woman"

So there I was, married with two kids, working two jobs and going to school full-time. My husband declares that he is not happy and doesn' t want to be married anymore. I was not surprised but I guess I didn't get why it was all my fault. There were times that "What's his name" was spending up toward 18 hours on the internet and I really didn't get what the big pull was to not be with three dimensional people, yet I had made him miserable.....
As I had said before, I was not the most confident person in the world so mostly I did feel that this was all my fault. Part of me was also very suspicious so one day I started checking the history on the computer. I also checked out his e-mail account. Of all things there was an e-mail from someone who loved "What's his name" very, very much and couldn't wait to spend the rest of her life with him. What th' ?????
So, as insecure as I was, I wasn't going to let him think he could get away with lying to me.

As an aside, I never understood this lying business from him. He has never been able to lie to me without me finding out later. I always have. If it hadn't been such a painful way to find out the truth I would have been laughing at the stupidity of it all. Why not just say "I met someone else" Oh wait! I know, they hadn't met. They had just ya know "met".

I confronted "What's his name". He of course was infuriated that I invaded his privacy and anyway she would be a better wife and mother than I ever was. Now, I grant you that maybe he wouldn't have to wrestle the remote away from her and they had never had an argument but that's probably because THEY HADN'T MET FACE TO FACE.

At this time, Greyhound was $99. During one of our many arguments I offered him the bus fare to go and meet her because, after all, if she was really the one...
Well, no. They were not ready to meet yet. As angry and scared as I was I thought that was hysterical and I realized then that I was not losing all that much.

After this I realized that I really didn't want the marriage either. I wanted me and my children to have a happy, relatively normal life. How could I ever do that on my own.....

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Internet Addiction: My Story

First, a little sidebar. I want to keep names out of this so, I will be referring to my ex as "What's his name".

When I was in my teens, my mom gave me this advice when ever I broke up with or was broken up with by a boyfriend: "I know it seems like the end of the world but years from now, you will look back on this and think, I wonder whatever happened to old What's-his-Name." Anyway, that is why the clever pseudonym.

After "What's his name" and I had our second child, I went back to college. I definitely overdid it. I was working a full-time job, a part-time job and going to school full-time. We had kids to feed and I wanted to be a good example for them, working, educating and trying my best to be all I could be. "What's his name" said he would be supportive. At that time we had gotten hooked up with AOL. I thought it was a cute hobby for him. He looked up stuff. He built a family tree. Good times.

What I didn't know is that he was also "meeting" people online. Now, that in and of itself is not a bad thing at all. It's nice to chat with people that do not judge. I did notice however that as time went on he was spending more and more time online. I found out soon how much priority he had given to these online relationships because of my middle daughter (at the time she was our youngest and she was about three)

Again, sidebar. For the sake of anonymity I will be referring to my kids as G1, G2 and G3.

One day, G2 came to me, very excited "Mom c'mere and see what I did". She took me into her room and showed me that she had rearranged the closet. The clothes were in order by color, shoes were lined up, everything was perfect. I told her how proud I was of her and that it was such a big job! What a fab kid! She wanted to show "What's his name". She said "Come see what I did in our room!". His response was quite familiar by then, from his computer desk he said "in a minute, I am in the middle of something". My darling, wise daughter looked at me and said "I need to be pretty patient with him". It about broke me heart.

It continually amazes me that a person can physically be somewhere and not be there at all.


The other "woman"

Monday, October 5, 2009

The Beginning of the end - Naww it's a BEGININNG

So, how did single momhood happen for me? To be honest, I thought being married would be the only way I would cease being lonely. I definitely loved him but cannot say for sure there was ever any real trust. That wasn't his fault. I was very insecure. He seemed hooked. I now know those feelings don't make a marriage.
We had our first child within a year of our wedding. We had our second seventeen months later. both of us had low paying office jobs and money (as with most) was always an issue. To keep us afloat I took control of the finances. This led to lots of arguments, hurt feelings and very little enjoyment in regard to parenthood. Looking back, I would have preferred to appreciate my two oldest more. They are really fabulous people.

I think the divorce started to take shape long before he told me he wanted out. Here is where I think it started: He got an internet connection.

I will explain more in my next entry "Addiction - the internet".

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Today it the first day I have ever blogged


For Many years I have wanted to write a book. I even had a name (and a few chapters). The idea came to me when I had my third child. The kids dad had moved out, and I felt like I was the busiest person on the planet. I was very proud of all I was accomplishing. It wasn't easy but I really think, even now it's worth it.

I am starting this blog for a number of reasons. First, I have learned a lot in my 16 years of parenting. Second, I know I still have a lot to learn. I think that writing ideas, challenges and great moments will help me work through so much! Much like when I have a challenge at work, talking it through usually leads me to a solution.

If anyone is reading this, I appreciate it. If not, I hope eventually someone will. Feedback is very much appreciated. Please be kind, I am human and have a fragile ego!

So, here is where it starts. My next entry will give a much better introduction to who I am, how I got here and what is going on now.