Sunday, June 30, 2013

I am sorry! Sorry, sorry sorry! I have been remiss in my duties to this blog and it's 5 readers. Here's the thing: I never understood the expression, "the more things change the more they stay the same" until recently. But first I need to update you on my fab 3 G's.

G1 is a full on star in college. She made the dean's list both semesters her first year in college. She handled all of the frustration of the big college machine on her own, got to school on time every day and consistently did her homework got help when she needed it and most of all got through it willing to continue in the fall.

G2 graduated from high school with honors and the absolute and unwavering respect of her Mom.  Star again. She stayed with marching band for five years, two as a section leader. She still works two jobs and finds time for a healthy social life. She has decided to move away for college which does leave me singing very sad renditions of "Cat's in the Cradle" and "Wild World" every so often. I am selfishly sad to see her go but so proud and very supportive of her doing what she knows to be right for her. I have every confidence that she will do well in life.

G3 is going into the 7th grade this fall. This past fall she got accepted into a performing arts center - with scholarship. They teach her: Tap, Jazz, Ballet,Voice and Acting. It made a wonderful difference for her and thinks of her fellow students as her peeps. She says she feels more comfortable there then she has anywhere. Being comfortable in middle school is no easy task. I think her class is a bit tough and add to that her sensitive nature, her studies have suffered some but I know she will bounce back and show her true ability. She is at a science camp at a local private university. What a huge gift! (for her) :)

As far as things staying the same, "what's his name" still lives with us. He really took that "till death do us part" thing to heart but honestly, I don't think this was the intention of that particular vow. He is working but sometimes payments are short. I am about at my limit but don't really know what to do. I can't afford this place, this life without child support.

As far as my life, well, I tend to bring complications to myself. I recently contacted an old friend someone I was involved with BWHN (before "what's his name"). For the sake of keeping up with the name convention, I will call him "Cool Guy Who Knows How to Fix Stuff".

In all honesty, I didn't think my letter would get such a positive response. I expected either nothing or a "what the hell were you thinking". It has been over 20 years so I am certain he was surprised. It was a spontaneous, well thought out plan. Truth is, I had wanted to reach out for years but there was, marriage, kids, the boyfriend, "insert name here" and so many other things that the timing didn't seem right. Why now? Well, I have been single for nearly 13 years and really miss feeling connected to someone outside home. That's my story and I am sticking to it. Ok, there's more but just don't have the words yet.

Amazing! We did a lot of catching up. I tried summarizing my exploits with "What's His Name" (who "really cool guy" knew). I have told him all about my G's and my career. He is very good listener. He seems genuinely happy to have reconnected. It seems like we never stopped knowing each other. My heart speeds up when he calls and I haven't felt like that for a long time. In fact I have avoided it. It is so hard to feel connected but not get too attached. The memories I have of him are so precious that it is indeed nice to hear from him but then the insecurity sets in. If I were to see him again I couldn't stand to see disappointment in his eyes. 20 or so years and three kids really changes a gal. To quote Bette Davis in "All About Eve": "Bill's thirty-two. He looks thirty-two. He looked it five years ago, he'll look it twenty years from now. I hate men". Just to be clear, I don't hate men but somewhat envy that some seem to not age.

I posted these final words on Facebook a little while ago:

In the category of it ain't easy bein' Maggie:
Woke up this morning, burned my thumb nail lighting a candle so I could relax before I started my day.
Then, to energize myself for said day, I got a cup of coffee. Down toward the bottom, unbeknownst to me, I received a mouthful of grounds. On to the second cup knowing it would be better, (because I strained the rest through a filter) I didn't realize I hadn't rinsed the cup.
So on I trot with a burnt thumb nail and two mouthfuls of coffee grounds. Yep, it ain't easy.