Everybody Hurts, (sometimes)

Lately, I have really been sad. I don't know if it's because "What's his name" is still living with us or because I am broke or because I wouldn't be able to pay the rent without "What's his name" living with us or a number of other things I could name. I have just been plain old sad. It is true that I have clinical depression but this is not my normal way of feeling. I usually have a lot more energy and get excited about things more often.

Anyway, this whole mood got me thinking about the days when I was getting divorced. There was one song that I consistently listened to that I thought gave a pretty strong message about bad times and surviving them. It is a song by REM - "Everybody Hurts". Since the kids (G1 & G2) were in the car when I would pop in the tape, they heard it quite a bit. Two conversations I had with them really shows who they are as people even today.

As we were going down the road listening to this song, G2 (age 4) asked "Mommy, why does he say Everybody Hurts"? I told her (and G1 also) that what they were saying is that even when times get tough, you are not alone. Everyone has trouble and struggles with their emotions so you shouldn't feel alone and you should never give up because things always get better.

About two weeks later, G1 (age 5) said, "Mommy why does he say everybody hurts? OH! Did he bonk his head??" Then G2 (always in the know) said "No (nickname of G1) he's talking about 'motions!" I followed up by telling G1 the same thing I told G2.

For some reason that story really sticks with me during sad times. I can still hear them singing along to that tape.

Another Busy Day at Work

Apparently "What's his name" could not get a ride to his family's Thanksgiving day celebration so we are together as a family. Should be interesting.

I have to smush three days of work into today so I cannot blog long.

Just a quick mention that I am now selling yet another product. Check out the link:

HELPFUL HOLIDAY HINTS

It should be helpful for Holiday gift giving.

Have a great Thanksgiving.

Ok, I still have a crush

I cannot believe how nice this person is. We chat whenever we happen to be outside at the same time, and we have so much in common!

The reason I am even writing this entry today is to ask anybody with an opinion:

What the heck do I do about it? I haven't flirted in about a decade and I don't want to be pushy or obvious.

Anyone, Anyone?

Feel free to comment.

Thanksgiving

My side of the family threw a party yesterday in honor of Thanksgiving. What a great time. We had lots of family show up. Some cousins on my Mom's were there and it was so great to catch up with them.

I thought this arrangement was so ideal. This way, the kids could spend a holiday with "What's his name's" family. They are really good people. They are super family oriented and always know how to throw a holiday party.

Since I am at a point that I really don't think these things should fall to me, I had asked "What's his name" to try to arrange transportation for them as it is down the road a piece. He said he would (after all, "What's his name" is nothing if not agreeable). Now apparently, his attempt involved leaving a note on Facebook for his brother. In the meantime, G2 contacted him ("What's his name's" brother) independently and found out that they were going to Thanksgiving on his wife's side. "What's his name" still insists that he is trying.

During the Thanksgiving party my little G3 had said "I sure hope I don't turn out like my Dad". Part of me is so glad that she is thinking ahead. The other part of me is very saddened that she is learning how to live through a contra-example.

And again last night (3 a.m. this morning) my youngest came into my room because she couldn't sleep.

Also, WOW am I ever lucky my sister is a doctor. As it turns out, it's possible the snotty PA that treated my daughter may have misdiagnosed her. According to Dr. Sister she has torn a specific type of cartilage, one that connects he kneecap to her knee and she should be getting physical therapy instead of using crutches and immobilizing it. I have made the follow up appointment so we shall see how this all turns out.

Have a wonderful rest of the day.

Friday again!!!!!

Gosh, that was quick!!! The week went by like Nuthin'!

It's going to be a big weekend. We are have our Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday since my sister is in town. It will be fun to see everybody. I will be making cheesecake and beerbread and maybe a few fun dips to go with it.

There is no way to segue so I will just say it. I would love to start dating again. The guy in the building doesn't seem to be all that interested, which is a shame. He seems very nice and completely real. If I were to date again, I really do not want the drama that came with it before. It would be super nice to go to a movie, have dinner talk to another adult.

Sometimes G2 functions really well in the "someone to talk to" space but it's really not fair to put her there. She is an incredibly mature young person but I do not want her taking on all that comes with being an adult. The last thing I want is for her to look back later on and ask "why did you lean on me?" It just isn't right for a Mom to do that.

All in all, I am still really tired. I am back into a funky sleep pattern. I am going to use this weekend to get back on track.

By the way (or not), I know I haven't been exercising, I am too busy and tired. I will let you know when I get back on to that tangent. It should be fun.

I'm sooo tired.....

Last night (or actually this morning) at about 3:30 a.m., my littlest came into my room because she couldn't sleep. This of course means mommy can't sleep either. I let her sleep next to me because I thought that would be of comfort to her. Now, I am so exhausted I can barely type.

G1 was so excited for her birthday!!! I love it when she gets so animated. Tomorrow night she is going to have some friends over to celebrate. I am really happy about that because she is so rarely social. It should be really fun. Her Dad ("what's his name") offered to buy pizza and that was kind of cool.

G2 has a party to go to this weekend and her knee seems to be improving so that's another bright spot.

Also, I don't work at my third job on Saturday so maybe I can get some rest before G3 has her choir thing at church on Sunday.

I have decided that I really need to let go of my third job. I don't think it is helping as much as it is taking away from the family. If I can focus, I think I can make up for the lost income by planning things better. I sure hope so. I am getting too old to always work six days a week. Plus I don't like missing out on all the kids stuff on the weekends.

I did start another home biz. Check it out by clicking HERE.

Hopefully there will be more to write about tomorrow......

Holy Mackeral my Oldest is going to be 16!

I don't know how it happened! One day I have this infant, this quiet little bubba that barely peeped (unless she was hungry) the next, here she is - A big girl.

It's an amazing thing to watch a human being develop. Raising G1 has been a particularly wonderful experience for me. She communicates the opposite way that I do. I am very direct. G1 has a tendency to hold back much of what she is thinking until she is sure of things. She also has asberger's syndrome, as I have mentioned before. This has made our living and growing together so very rewarding. She takes a class in which she learns how to socialize more toward the norm. The beauty of it is that the teacher has never asked any of these student to change who they are. She has not so much been encouraged to "fit in" but to cope in a world that (in large part) thinks differently than she does. I personally think all middle school kids would benefit a great deal from the lessons that she has learned.

Another really wonderful thing about my eldest's personality is that she is incredibly honest. I refer to her as being "guileless" as this is the most positive way to look at it. She never fakes a good mood. She doesn't say things just to be nice. She also is very, very intelligent. She has an amazing ability toward public speaking. I used to think she was shy. She is not. She just keeps things to herself and is very particular about who she spends her time with.

I could go on and on about the virtues of my daughter as she brought me into this world of parenting I thought I would never approach. She started the best thing that I ever did- Be a MOM.

I love you baby. Happy Birthday :)

It only takes a second!

And everything changes.

It's really nothing as dramatic as it could be but my middle baby got hurt yesterday. During her first day of B-Ball tryouts she got hit in the knee and heard a pop! I am so lucky I work with the people I do. When I got her call all they said was go! We have an urgent care in town so we did not have to go to the ER. It was a long wait (about an hour so it could have been worse). The "Doctor", actually a physician's assistant, was really bitchy until I asked him ever so gently "has it been a long day? You seem irritated." Then, he was a little more personable. It's funny, I don't make near the amount those people do but, I am expected to treat others with respect. I would anyway but the point is that I think sometimes people in the medical field forget that they are dealing with actual people. My sisters would never behave that way. (I'm just sayin')

I am very proud of how pragmatic my G2 was about the whole thing. She had decided a while ago that she would rather play first string on the 9th grade team than make JV and sit on the bench. According to her line of thinking, this injury just assures her that she will get more playing time. THAT'S MY GIRL!

Anyway, again, I need to give snaps to "What's his name" as he was very helpful last night. He made dinner and held the house together while I was with G2 and when I went to my Mom's later to give her the meds she needs. What a neat way to end my day - I spent time with my Mom. Her memory is really getting bad from minute to minute. She kept saying "so when is your sister coming to town?" and "I should know this shouldn't I?" but she is in very good spirits. There is a calm about her that is so very welcome and warm. That was the biggest gift of all when she was helping with the kids. They got to spend time with her. When I would get home after school or work the house was warm and calm and we all felt loved.

So, tonite is conferences and two Girl Scout meetings.

WISH ME LUCK!

Monday, Monday

I hope everyone had a great weekend. Mine was pretty good. Friday movie night went really well with G3. G2 had a date with a new fella and it seemed to go well. According to my G2, he is not her boyfriend since she isn't sure that is what she needs in her life right now. It seems that is what he wants but she needs to wait. I am so glad to hear her say that. It means she is thinking, not just feeling.

I had a really weird chat with "What's his name" about our living situation. I let him know that I felt really disrespected as he never even bothered to ask me if he could stay past August. I reminded him that my offer was only extended through the summer. I also told him that he needed to have a plan. He seems to think that this is for my benefit. It really is not. I would really like the kids to see him helping himself. I also encouraged him to get some medical insurance through the many programs that are available in our area. He said he doesn't believe in welfare. Uumm. WHAT? For some reason he thinks that unemployment is not part of the welfare system. I did the math. He has withdrawn all funds that were paid into these programs on his behalf. But, I guess there is no logic involved when you discuss things with a republican.

I did experience my first migraine on Sunday. Ouch. My two younger daughters get them and I can say they are incredibly brave. I tried to sleep to ease the pain. Of course G1 (the quiet one) came into my room twice to ask me something and when she did that two of the cats snuck in and we had to get them out. Timing is everything!

My sister (the DOCTOR) is coming into town this week. We will be celebrating Thanksgiving a little early. It will be fun, an opportunity to get the fam together. The kids are excited to see her. She is a really fun Auntie.

I was looking at my "calendar" and I have conferences for G3 I need to get G3 and her friend to Brownies (thank goodness I have a good friend who can pick them up!) and I am co-leading this year for G1's GS troop so I will be doing that too.Gosh I hope this headache calms down by tomorrow! I don't do well with pain.

It's Friday! Nuthin' better 'n that!

Yep, I am so happy it's almost the end of the week. I think I work tomorrow nite at my third job but that can be fun. It's a social place and I get along really well with my co-worker.

Now of course, tonite I spend time with my Mother. It's nice. She is really upbeat and always likes my new clothes. (of course I don't have new clothes, she just doesn't remember). I also really love that I can finally be of help.

Tonight is also movie night at G3's school. It's a nice deal. There are parent chaperons and the kids get to hang in a non-classroom setting. G3 has a lot of friends. She really is an amazing combination of G1 and G2. She has the emotional limitations of G1 along with the artistic / creative flair. She is also very socially adept like G2.

Oh yes and G2 has a date tonight with her new fella. According to her he is nice, smart friendly and interesting. I have met him, (otherwise they wouldn't be going out) and he does seem really nice. I do trust her judgment. She has a wonderful habit of thinking about how things could and should affect her future and she wants to do the right thing.

My beautiful G1 turns 16 next week. Doesn't that mean I am officially old?

I have lots and lots of feelings going on so, I need to rant

Dear "What's his name",

I am really struggling with our living arrangement. First, after all this time being divorced, I still feel obligated to take care of you. Second, you really don't seem to think it's anything that deserves any special respect.

Our youngest daughter heard you tell your friend that you had a headache from "gaming" too much. You told me it was your sinuses. I don't think that you are even untruthful to be mean or thoughtless but it is. It shows us all that you either believe what you say or you think we are naive.

Also, for the (I don't know how many) time, you shorted your weekly payment to the family without forewarning. I have told you that I just need to know things like that as soon as you know. Now, I am going to have to scrape by on barely anything until I get paid. I could have planned for it but you told me the day after it took place. It is not a casual thing. There are things the kids need that I cannot provide due to this.

When G3 broke her glasses, you were sleeping on the couch. She feels very alone when you are there and I am not. I wish you understood what an opportunity this could be for the two of you. The older two had lived with you before, she has not. It could be a time for you two to bond. It doesn't seem to be working out like that at all.

I realize you don't love me. I also realize that you don't know how to love yourself. With the kids though, there is very little to it. Just be there. Open your eyes to what they go through, what they see. I guarantee you will gain much more than you give.

I have said this before: get a PLAN. I don't care if you work full-time (although that would be ideal). If you were to go back to school, take a training program, anything to show that you want things to get better I would be behind it 100%. I know it's not easy as I have been there myself when the kids were little. Where you are right now is the best time / place to think about self improvement. It would help everyone more than you could ever imagine.

I also believe that you have depression. I think that is what is behind the gaming / computer obsession. I am not an expert, just someone who has gone through it her whole life. Things don't have to be sad, low, down, tiring. It can get better. I want you to feel better and the kids and I cannot help until you want to feel better. It's a whole lot of work but it's worth it.

Your children love you, no matter what. Isn't that enough?
__________________________________________________________________
And for the rest who are reading this, sorry it's not as fun as I usually try to be but, here is a really cool website for the Mom's out there:

http://www.peacelovemom.com/

Does my new style look spiffy?

Last night I decided to change the appearance of this blog. I got a picture (tot he left) from G1. G3 picked the template and G2 said it looked "cool". Everyone seemed to approve and I think it makes a statement. Let me know what you think! I would love to hear comments of any kind.

I am keeping it short today. I have lots of work to do.

Take care !

And again, busy, busy, busy

So, I had a really long meeting last night. Luckily, just prior to that I went to visit my Mom. I have been giving her medicine to her on Mondays and Fridays. Over the past two years or so she has aged quite a bit. She moved into an assisted living facility, which by the way is a wonderful place and recently it was decided that we needed to make sure she was taking what she needed.

Her short-term memory has been compromised and she also doesn't retain some other items like where I work or what I do. It's amazing though, what she does remember. She knows my kids birthdays. She remembers taking care of G3 - which she really misses. She is also very clear about my kid's individual personalities - but not what grades they are in. All in all still really is still very much my MOM. She is a very strong, loving and intelligent woman. I always believed that because I was her daughter I could do anything. This is the biggest reason that when things got hard I hung in there. Regardless of all that, I feel absolutely blessed that I am able to visit her. I am also grateful that I can finally help her.

So, I visited Mom, I went to that meeting, I cashed my check. It was about 9:00 before I was even at home. I did get a chance to chat with G2 and G3. I spoke a little to G1 but she and I tend to not need a lot of words. She did have a wonderful day off.

"What's his name" did take G2 to her sports registration which I really should give snaps for. I could be bitchy and complain about all the things he did last night that irritated me but as my Mom likes to "Your the one who married him"

Bless you Mom for your wisdom, guidance and above all your sense of humor!

I came to a great conclusion

I think I finally figured out why my work has been so mediocre. I have always considered myself to be fairly intelligent. There is really no other explanation for my kids being as sharp as they are.

The thing is, I make a lot of silly little mistakes in my work. Looking back, I don't think I ever thought I could get better. I remember when I was young I don't think there was a whole lot expected of me. Before I continue I do need to say that I have always felt loved and valued. I had wonderful parents. My Mom has stood by me through many, many things that others would not have. My Mom and Dad loved each other very much. I also need to say that I am not blaming anyone for anything. The point is that reaching for the stars was not what I was geared for. I guess I got into a really bad habit of expecting to screw up. Not anymore.

Recently, I have taken on an "Expect the Best" mantra. My work is error free. I am confident that when I enter journal entries or A/P item it is right. To be real honest with myself, for a long time when my errors were pointed out and my boss would get frustrated, I would think to myself "but do you see the errors others make?" This is a terrible way to look at things. It doesn't matter what others do. They don't have the same responsibilities I do and quite frankly it is none of my business. I can only deal with my stuff. And now I am. It will be a fabulous feeling during the upcoming month end to not have to answer the endless questions about why I did the wrong thing.

But, getting back to the blog title, here is my schedule today:

Work til 5:30
Go to Mom's to give her medicine
I have a volunteer meeting
I need to deliver some TS that was ordered (week's ago)
I need to pick up and cash my check from my second job
I need to pick up some groceries
if there is some extra time, I want to take a walk with one or all of my daughters. We'll see

OK, where's the cat??????????

Ow, Ow, Ow

I don't have much time and it hurts to move but I just need to say that I hope I can keep this exercise going. I know if I stop the pain would be for nothing.

G1 - G3 have been very encouraging. The night I was doing my cardio, G1 came in and said "could you fill this out for school?" and "Hey, are you watching 24". When I went to use some hand weights, G3 (always the encouraging one) said "Those are only five pounds". And, G2, nods her head in agreement (and I am assuming encouragement) when I tell of my accomplishments.

When they were little I would get positive reinforcement from them by saying "let's have a yay Mommy! " it was great and very enthusiastic. As they have gotten older they want to know why I deserve it! Ok, how about I feed, clothe and house you? It's never enough!

OMG - I can't believe I promised to do this!

So, it's been two days since I said I would investigate this "Make your body ten years younger" plan.

The first night was ok. I did 20 minutes of cardio. I have had a Gazelle Elite leaning against my wall ever since we moved into this house so I thought this would help me with the cardio activity. I must say though, I miss my coat hanger. The fun part about this is that I discovered that 20 minutes on this contraption equals half an episode of 24 (on dvd). So, when times got tough I would think WWJBD (what would Jack Bauer do). It got me through so I do have to thank Keifer Sutherland and all the crew at 24.

I am in no shape to be doing this without getting exhausted but it's a good feeling to sweat a little and feel like I am doing something for me. So, ultimately, the cardio I will keep.

Now, I made the mistake of mentioning to a friend that I am starting to work out (again). I'm not sure if she has lot of faith in me or has a great sense of humor but she lent me a pilates video. This of course was to address the "core" workout portion of the plan. This is indeed a person I trust so last night I popped in this dvd. The tone was very relaxing and there was not a lot of ra ra from the instructor (or is she a model). Anyway, I lay down on the floor expecting to ease into the abdominal workout that was promised in the introduction. Don't get me wrong, I didn't expect it to be easy, I just didn't think the people who made this routine were insane!

I do think that if I could have stopped giggling long enough, I may have had a really great workout. I wasn't laughing because it was funny. It was funny though, the things they expected my body to do:

"Now, ease your shoulders upward while keeping your lower back flat. Now, walk your hands up your legs and grip your ankles HOLD, HOLD, HOLD (stop crying) HOLD and great, you did it!" OH, really, did I?!?!?!?!?

Now I have a new goal. I am going to work my way into doing this 10 pilates business. I know I can do it. It may take. It may take sweat and it may take determination but I can do this.

Or, I might just take a nap. Honesty, who knows what I'll do.

I said I would start today

Well, first thing in the morning is never a good time to start anything. I did have pastry for breakfast. Let's move on from there.

I grabbed a magazine from home in order to investigate one article on weight loss. I was drawn to one: "Take 10 years off Your Body". Ok, not necessarily weight loss as it is body improvement. Since this is what I am really after I decided to take a look. Now, since I am sitting at a computer, I thought "Hey, I'll look it up online". So, I went to this mag's website. I was drawn to an article about Valerie Bertinelli, the adorable teen star of the 1970's sit com, "One day at a Time". She sure seems happy, bless her heart. And, indeed she has done some wonderful things weight - wise. I read some of the text but still do not know how she did it. I am assuming Jenny Craig helped (I saw the commercials).

OK, back to my quest. How can I take 10 years off my body. I seriously wouldn't mind it. 10 years ago I was XXX -50 pounds and I had a lot more energy so, I dug a little deeper. But then got interrupted by a floating survey which I answered and then floated over to the results. I don't even remember what they asked me or what the results were but I did have to find my way back to that article.

I didn't read all of it but from what I gather I should:

"Do moderately intense cardio for 30 minutes, five days a week, or vigorously intense cardio for 20 minutes, three days a week."

But wait, there's more.

In addition to the cardio I should:

"Work your core muscles -- which include your abs, back, and pelvis -- two to three times a week."

OK. Is that it? No, don't be silly! We are erasing age!

"Gently stretch all your major muscle groups at least twice a week (but ideally every day)."

One more thing:

"Do eight to 10 strengthening exercises (eight to 12 reps each) twice a week."

Ok, so here is how I see it:

In addition to working 40 - 48 hours a week, raising my three daughters (and everything that entails) and heavy sighing because of "what's his name" I need to fit in 2.5 hours of cardio, 1 hours of core training, stretching every day (hey, I may as well go for ideal) and 40 minutes (approx) of strength training. Hmmmm.

I love working out five days per week and strengthening my core two to three times a week (and stretching daily and strength training also
I love working out five days per week and strengthening my core two to three times a week (and stretching daily and strength training also
I love working out five days per week and strengthening my core two to three times a week (and stretching daily and strength training also
I love working out five days per week and strengthening my core two to three times a week (and stretching daily and strength training also
I love working out five days per week and strengthening my core two to three times a week (and stretching daily and strength training also

I can start this tomorrow, right?

I really should lose some weight

I have said this a lot in my life. It used to be (when I was in my 20's) If I gained a little weight I would lose my appetite. It sure isn't that way anymore.

When I was going through my divorce I lost 50 pounds in a month. In fact, when we reunited and went to our marriage counselor, he asked "What's his name" if that was why he wanted to get back together.

This time, it would not be for anyone but me. My daughters think I am fine the way I am. G2 did say that if I was unhappy she would be willing to encourage me to exercise more or even work out with me. I think that this is something I need to do on my own.

But, what the heck am I going to do? Here are a few ideas:

Replace my snack food with healthier items (veggies perhaps)
Take a walk with one of the girls at night
Sit ups (ha ha ha ha)
I could also buy a variety of women's magazines as they always seem to have helpful hints about how to lose 10 pounds a week
Or, I could actually read the women's magazines I have purchased in the past to see if there are any good ideas.

Ok, I have a great idea!!! I am going to share these ideas out here. I will try these helpful hints and let people know if they are effective and as easy as they profess to be on the covers!!! Unless of course I don't feel like it.

To keep my motivated, I will report my results out here.

I will start with admitting my weight. Currently, I weigh XXX pounds. I will let you know how it changes as time goes on.
Also, I wear a size **. As soon as that changes, I will let everyone know.

Ok, I will start

Tomorrow!