When the needed becomes the needy

Oh yes. Once again it has been a long, long time. My life has changed so dramatically since I last blogged. Now, don't get me wrong, "What's his name" still lives in my second living room so, at least I got that going for me. He has finally gotten a permanent job offer and that is terrific news. I am now taking bets on how long it takes for him to move. He is talking about it but.....

I do want him to move however, my fear is that once he out there again, finances get more challenging and the child support is not the thing that will come first.

So, why the long absence? It has been about 10 months. To be honest, I don't know why I quit blogging other than life got very busy (even by a single Mom's standards). After things simmered down, I fell into a depression hole so deep I am just now starting to drag myself away from.

These first three paragraphs are really just me avoiding putting the words in writing as to why I got so sad. I might as well just say that my mother passed away in December. On the surface, not such a terrible way to lose someone. She was 85. She was content about the life she had built. "I had exactly the life I wanted", is what she told me. I believe that she just fell asleep. The wake and funeral were a tribute to her and the family that she raised. All good. I just can't seem to get past losing the one person who loved me without hesitation. I know the kids love me but they don't know me like my mom did. She saw all the growing pains and all the failures I would never share with my babies - most of it was before they were born. (of course not all but...)

It was nice to give a little back to my Mom. Our visits were finally about her and her well-being. After all the years and times she took care of me, I was grateful I could be of some help. Amazingly, as much as I knew she wasn't going to stay around forever, I can't believe she died. It doesn't make sense, I know that but I am still struggling with the reality of it all.

When the kids do something fun or cool or even irritating, I want to tell her about it. Oh yes, and I would like her to respond to so don't tell me to go ahead and tell her....I have tried. Her reaction (because of how crazy she was about the gals) was the biggest thing for me. So much love.

Not much of an entry but it's a start. All part of a much bigger plan to feel better and be better. Stick with me it should be quite a ride!