Time to make the resolutions....

Every year I make one. Every year I break one. I think it's time now though to start making my life and the life of my kids better.

One thing's for sure, I do not want to spend my life afraid of bills that are not paid, balances I am not sure of and an angry landlord that used to be my friend. This year I am going to improve my credit rating.

I have always said, knowledge is power. The problem lately is that I really don't want to know how bad things are. I have a feeling that if I just sit down and look at what is out there it won't be as bad as I thought.

I want the older two to have bank accounts. I also want to have a buffer set aside for things like flat tires or activities for the kids.

One thing is for sure. I really need to start making more money. I don't know how but I am going to start looking at different options. I am not willing to give up my full time job for a different one though. These people are too good to walk away from. It's not every day that a person gets to work with a group that are so respectable. It's an amazing bunch.

Sigh - sometimes I hate being a grown up!

It's been a long time

I really had a wonderful Christmas. I don't know what it was but I was not plagued by the usual stress of the season.

The kids were so thoughtful with their gift giving. My eldest gave me season 5 of 24 on dvd. She knows her Mom! Her gifts were actually quite amazing. She was so excited to give to others it was an absolute thrill to watch. My baby gave me a mug she made and G2 bought me lunch when we went shopping. I really felt the spirit of the season.

We had Christmas day at my Mom's. They have a wonderful party room that we could use. There were 3 generations of family there. My niece and her family were there. Her children are quite young (18 months and 3 years) and having the younger ones around made it seem even more like Christmas.

It's another short week here at work. As an additional bonus, I am not scheduled at my third job. This is going to be a wonderful three days!!!

I swear! I was going to post last night but...

I was just too tired! I think I am starting to feel better though. The tummy has settled down a bit and I am not half asleep in my office. Baby girl (G3) is home sick again today - She is pretty sad about it though. They have a holiday party on the last day of school and she is missing it.

I have to write about a moment I had with G1 when she was younger. I think she was about 10 when the school gave the girls in her grade "the talk". She is an absolute master with absorbing information and found the topic of her period (and all that comes with it) particularly fascinating. She would ask G2 if she thought she would use pads or tampons (at the dinner table) and generally bring the subject up at will.

One day I found her standing in the middle of the kitchen with an empty cup. I asked her why and she said "There is no Kool Aid". I was easily frustrated at that time and thought she was just being passive aggressive so I very abruptly grabbed the pitcher and started to make more. She continued to stand there. When she was in my path for the third time I said "Honey, you are going to have to stand somewhere else". She then went into the hallway (with her cup)and started tracing (very noisily) on the wall. I, again, not the most patient person at the time, yelled to her "If you don't stop that right now I am going to ground you for a month" or something to that effect.

After all was said and done, I felt really bad for overreacting and not explaining what it was that upset me. I went into her room (where she had gone to hide after I yelled) to iron things out.

ME: Honey, can I talk to you?
A1: Ok.
ME: I need to explain to you why I got so upset earlier. You see sometimes....
A1 (with her hand gently on my arm) Is it hormones?

I think I have the flu - Not H1N1

I have just been feeling icky! My youngest gal is home sick with "what's his name". I have to admit, it's nice to not have to stay home from work when the kids are not well. Part of me feels really bad that I am not home with her but since he is there it's a great opportunity for them to bond. I will find out when I get home how much time he really spent with her and how much was spent fighting dragons.

I had coffee with a friend last night. Again, not something I do too often so it was a wonderful thing. Before I knew it an hour and a half had gone by. It's a wonderful thing to have a conversation with someone who is both intelligent and interesting.

Gosh, I really don't know what to write about today. I think I am going to log on later and tell a story from when G1 was younger.

Stay tuned!

Oh the Weather Outside is still frightful

And if Mommy could get some sleep it would be delightful....Again, baby girl could not sleep through the night. I did find out that a very good friend of hers is having the same issue so, at least I am not alone in this battle. Just tired!

I had a nice talk with G1 about her stuff from yesterday. She deals with things much differently than I ever did. She told me that once she leaves school she doesn't think about that kind of negative stuff. I hope that's true. I gave her a bit of advice. I told her to remember that when people tease it isn't worth it to get upset. She should just remember that she is better than that. If I remember correctly that kind of advice doesn't really help. I will just be there for her as best I can.

"What's his name" took time away from his busy schedule (fighting dragons) to hem a dress for G2. She needed it for a performance today with Concert Band. It's funny how I can do all that I do without even thinking about it and he does this one thing and it is a huge deal. He was complaining today about how long it took and how his hands were swollen from pricking himself with the needle. He had said something to G2 last night like "Next time we bring it to a tailor". I told him today that I was only trying to get him to partake in her life and I thought maybe that remark hurt her feelings. To tell the truth, I am sure she's fine but I needed to point out to him that his words matter.

Oh, and my bold move in e-mailing the nice man in my building? Nothin'. Not even a polite reply. This really brings out the insecure in me. I am still glad I took a chance though. Kind of like sticking a toe in the dating pool once again......

My eldest is getting picked on at school and it breaks my heart

She is a really sweet girl that is really not like anyone else. I have always said that I really think she will be a phenomenal adult but struggle with being a kid - mainly because she is above all the catty BS that goes along with being young.

The thing that saddens me is that she did not even notice. Her special ed teacher sawy it taking place and wanted us both to know. As a child with ASD often times she misses social cues. Along with that, she can get very emotional when under stress. Those two things together really can make her a target at times. It has been a really long time since the subject has come up. I am frightened that she will lose her current hope and start feeling sad again. I can barely work today I am so sad about it. I won't show her that though. I don't want my stuff to make her stuff worse.

On a better note her teacher and several others are taking steps to make sure this behavior does not persist. I am hopeful this will help and afraid at the same time that if it comes to disciplinary action there will not be any retaliation. Aaaaahhh!

For once I would just like things to go well for all of us girls. Since there are four of us the odds are against it but a mom can dream, can't she?

On another note, I sent an e-mail to that nice man that works in my building. I am not expecting anything super fab but I felt I needed to take a chance. Maybe something positive will arise.

I think now I will go in search of some other fabulous blogs!

Yup, my baby (G3) Couldn't sleep again last night

This time she woke me up at 11:00 pm. I let her fall asleep next to me. On the way to work I was thinking about it and it's really quite amazing. She said she couldn't sleep but when she laid down she conked right out. This is a very powerful feeling to think that I could be that much of a comfort to someone. The irony is that I can't be comforted by myself that way, otherwise I would always sleep really well. And, I don't.

No worries. We had a really great weekend. G1 had a Knowledge Bowl competition on Saturday. G3 had a play rehearsal at church and G2 "hung out" with friends. On Sunday G3 and I were at church bright and early (and almost on time) for her play. It was really adorable. Those kids and their leader are amazing!!!

Later we rented a movie - "The Last Mimzy". It was really cute and my G1 and G3 really enjoyed it. We had popcorn and kept warm in the midst of all this snow.

Every time I open my mouth.....

Yesterday I shared this beautiful moment I had with my oldest. I sent that to her special ed teacher, which she did appreciate but followed up with the news that her grades are slipping and she's being rude to a couple of teachers. I am tellin' ya, I just need to keep my mouth shut!

I realize that everyone has a ebb and flow to their life. I just really have not had a lot of "flow" recently. Good things happen a lot, I realize that but there is always something I should be wary of.

I so much want my girls to be happy! I don't want them learning too late in life how to cope and how important it is to plan and work toward a happy future.....

Anyway, another busy day.

The Weather is bad and I need to make this quick

Busy day here at the paper but I had to share what my G1 said last night. I thought it was very profound.

After having to tell "What's his name" to pick up his cigarette butts up in the garage (which by the way G2 had asked him not to smoke in there) and arguing with him about, of all things, Sarah Palin's book signing (don't even get me started), I blew up. I got into an argument with my youngest about her homework and was really not rational. Anyway, my darling oldest was studying or reading a book in bed. She has such a gentle nature I thought it made sense for me to chat with her. I shared what had happened and she said she gets frustrated with G3 also. She also said "As much as I hope papa gets a job, I really think he needs something to help his self-esteem. At least that's what I hope for."

You know, sometimes when you aren't looking your kids start to grow up.

Oh the Weather Outside is Frightful!!

And my G2 is home with a cold. I am here at work and am wondering how long it will take me to get home.

First real snow of the year. It brings on a lot of new behavior. Putting on boots, wearing gloves or mittens, very tense driving and worrying that my baby gets home safe on the bus.

I have to say that my favorite part of Winter is climbing into bed and warming up my feet. I sleep much better in the winter. I think it's because I exert so much energy just trying to get here and there.

I went to visit my Mom last night. I noticed that her neighbor had his TV on really loud. When she answered the door I said, "I think your neighbor might be hard of hearing, Mom."

Her answer: "Huh?"

All Work and No Play Makes This Blogger a Dull Mommy

So, I treated myself to a night of "Clubbing". It's not what you think. It doesn't mean hitting people with clubs, no: It's going out to a nightclub! Which I am sure you all know. I just don't do it anymore.

I went to see my favorite local band Soul Asylum. The show was great, I was with a really good friend from high school and get this: A total stranger offered us V.I.P. seating for free! I would not have been able to see the show at all without it. The place was so packed!!! The band rocked as always. I was so thrilled to be there! I did try to get a note to the lead singer Dave but I don't know if that ever happened. He's the cool rock star that called my house offering to do an interview for my G2 and then my G3 hung up on him. Kind as he is, he actually bothered to call back and leave a message.

So, since I went out on Friday and worked my gas station job on Saturday, I asked "What's his name" to do a lot of the kids stuff over the weekend. He was not a happy camper. He drove my friend and I downtown, picked up G2 after Sadie Hawkins, dropped G1 off at six a.m. Then, he made 3 dozen cookies with G3 for church on Sunday. I also asked him to drop me off at work on Saturday so G1 had a ride home from her excursion and G2 could get picked up after her "hanging out" with friends.

He made an interesting comment when he dropped me off. I thanked him for everything he had done this weekend and then mentioned that he seemed a little angry. He said "I am just not used to having to run around so much". I almost felt guilty until I remembered that I had been doing this very thing for well over nine years so I said "Welcome to my world". A little cold I know but if I didn't ask he really would not do anything but fight dragons.

Needless to say I am a wee bit tired but I am feeling so good about my job performance and the progress that my gals are making it doesn't matter. Good Stuff!

Up, Up and Away!!

yes, it's true. Things have not been that terrific for me but it's time I stop being a big baby about it. I have some great stuff going on also.

My youngest and I have been having a really good time with our new schedule. We have spent some seriously productive and fun time together. I actually feel as though I am teaching her a thing or two also. I have a terrible habit of making silly errors and I am noticing this lack of attention to detail with her as well. Given this thing we have in common, last night I was able to give her a few pointers so that she is checking her work for more basic things - like spelling ( ! )

Also, I was able to get put on a club list for this weekend. A friend of mine from high school and I are going to see one of my favorite bands. Yes, they really haven't been around much since the 90's but they have a great show. I am really excited.

My middle daughter is going to Sadie Hawkins tomorrow night. (sigh). It's amazing, one minute she is little bundle in my arms and the next she's dating. I have the need to mention that she handles the dating thing light years better than I ever did. I am very proud.

Speaking of proud! My oldest is going to a knowledge bowl tournament on Saturday! She really does not get out much and with all the stuff she struggles with I am always so proud when she puts herself out there! Yay G1!!! You go girl!

And then, that person I am interested in.....I have been wanting to make sure he isn't married. He doesn't wear a ring but I am not naive enough to believe that means anything. So, I have wanted to ask. I'll tell you though, a couple of days ago he gave me an opening I could've driven a truck through. Me, I flipped it into reverse!! I think part of me likes the first part - being interested and all the anticipation and the hope for something - the hope....I am not ready to give that up. It's really nice to feel that skip in my heartbeat when I see him. It's fun and if it gets any more real it could end. Plus if I push it could end really soon. I am hanging on to the good stuff right now.

Oh and a really kind person I work with took the time to notice that I have been seeming down. It really helped me realize how lucky I have it. I have fabulous gals, a good job, working with wonderful people. The only thing that is really holding me back is me allowing myself to let this depression get the better of me. Luckily, I have the tools to work it out.

Yep, I am a lucky Mommy!

Sometimes it's hard to be a Mother

But it's also really hard to be my daughter. My G3, I have just discovered is not doing well in school. For the first time since G1 was in grade school, I left a parent teacher conference crying. It was different with G1 as she (we later determined) has a good reason for struggling. With G3 it's a whole different scene. She's just is not trying and that hurts more than a clearly identifiable issue. The truth is, I really wasn't paying enough attention to what she has (or has not) been turning in or wearing to school.

The silly part of this whole thing is that because "What's his name" lives with us, I got this idea that I wasn't parenting alone. I thought that since he put her on the bus in the morning, he would make sure she was properly attired and had eaten her breakfast. Boy, was I wrong!!! I thought that when her homework was done he may have taken a look at what she had done. Wrong again and this is my fault for assuming that an adult would be responsible.

I have made some mistakes in regard to what I can leave up to "What's his name" but never again. From now on, my eyes will be on my baby. I have vowed with her, to spend time in the evening with homework, picking out clothes and settling in to a good sleep schedule. I promised her that we will work through these things together.

Last night, we read together, picked out her clothes and made sure her homework was done correctly. She even shared a "Where's Waldo" with me. It was a great start. Honestly, I had let that closeness go since "What's his name" moved in. I have really been a hermit lately and this is just the kick I need to get back on the parenting course and remember that others need me to be strong - even with my flaws.